Drugs and alcohol also in some capacity provide us with comfort and escape. Whether coming home and having a beer or two to relax or getting shit faced to completely lose yourself. Or maybe pot is your thing and you love that relaxed mellowness and anxiety relief. Again I don't agree... But I get it.
Imagining you don't have either of those comforts... that's where I'm at. I've forced myself to take things as they are and deal with life as it is. Wasn't really my intention, so no quest or anything, I just don't agree with the alternative.
Then three things came together around the same time. First was a friend of mine who believes in meditation. I've never met Alyssa, but we've been friends for 10 years now. Fellow straightedge who also very sarcastic, harsh, and just real... Hotter me really. But I trust her and she's one of my biggest confidantes. So her trust in meditation definitely peaked my interest. Because I needed some release for my anger.
Second, a week home with my son. Sleepy week might I add, so my patience were on full test mode. He's kind of at a real asshole and difficult point in his life, terrible twos are real folks, no joke. Quite a few butts swats and yelling and fighting not the first half the week. Unfortunately I had to go to bed about 4:30-5 when my wife got home so I could work at midnight. Each night I went to bed sad because it was the last time I'd see him for the night. Though he misbehaved and drove me up the wall, I always want him to know he's loved more than anything. I didn't want him growing up thinking my dad loves me but he's constantly frustrated and on tilt. That's not who I want to be for him, so I learned to relax myself and try a new approach the last few days. Though we had timeouts and whatnot, we didn't have to get crazy.
Lastly, and maybe the biggest push.... Disc golf. Not just the game itself either, but it led me to a book. "Zen and the Art of Disc Golf" and the author Patrick McCormick who is also podcasting. Through his works, I have found these ideas that really work towards how to handle life. I have really learned to love the game of disc golf and when applying these ideas to a game I already understand, makes it very relatable and easy to transition into the rest of your life. Patrick also has a website and additional podcast called Deconstructing Reality where you can read/listen to these essays he's written about life. And I CAN RELATE THEM which is good. I feel more positive about things, overall more relaxed in life and just learning g to try to enjoy the world and people for what it or they are. After emailing Patrick, I am taking his recommendations on some other readings he thought I may enjoy. I'm trying to read "Hardcore Zen" by Brad Warner. Slower start, but still I retesting writings. I find myself wanting to write down quotes and reflect on them with a written response to them.
I genuinely feeling better in just the last few weeks. I've played better disc golf as a result of focusing. I haven't flipped out at anyone lately at work about stupid requests or the general confusion around the place. I have spanked my kid in more than two weeks. I'm not against it, so no judgements on parenting, I'm just channeling my frustration elsewhere than back onto his deserving butt. All in all I'm trying to find myself a good place.