I've learned a lot about myself and life over the last 16 months. Parenthood changes your outlook completely... Or it probably should. And finally puts you in a new realm of understanding... Like all that bullshit my own parents fed to me.
"This is gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt you"
Bullshit, right? Wrong! A caring parent spends there life protecting their child from pain both physically and emotionally if they can. But sometimes we realize that the only way to get through is by "breaking" the child. Tonight I had to step it up and intentionally hurt my child's feelings to make him learn that what he was doing was unacceptable.
Nathan's new thing is yelling... Loudly and repeatedly. He's just being a brat and looking for attention, because when you acknowledge him, he laughs and giggles and it's all a good time. Tonight while Nathan was sitting in his high chair waiting for his dinner, he went through one of his yelling fits. Raising my voice and just giving a stern "HEY" or "ENOUGH" has only ended in his amusement.
He pushed too hard this time and I slammed the fork in my hand down on the counter. Needed to bang for effect. Followed with a "now that's enough" louder and noticeably angrier than normal. Hesitation, but no laughter, a blank puzzled broken look. Pouty lip started and before he could start, I turned his chair to face the wall for an impromptu timeout. He broke and then genuine cry with tears started. I had a split second sense of accomplishment that I finally got through to him, but immediately wished to protect him from being upset. Heather entered the kitchen with the intent of helping the situation which I asked her to hold up, I would follow up with him. Plus I wanted him to take a second to realize his crying. When I turned him around I knew what to expect, but the tears and the red sobbing face is like a kick in the dick no matter how much you anticipate it. Especially when the arms are up looking for comfort and healing from whomever will give it, which I offered to him as well as some comforting words and a speech about his choices.
My one error was me asking him for reassurance from him, which Heather rightfully pointed out. Instead changed to reassuring him that I still love him despite this incident. Took him a little while to want to be let go, so I know I broke his heart pretty good. I'm sure he was over the whole situation within a few minutes and has since forgiven me, but here I am 10 hours later still reflecting back on what I did to him. So yes, this definitely has done more to me than it has to him. All in the name of discipline and teaching a lesson. Maybe you won't agree with my actions or how I choose to parent, but honestly I don't give a fuck. I only hope that in the end both Nathan and I leave this situation stronger than we entered it.
