vassago

Right now, feels sort of,, well... good.

I am working on a big batch of files for a client, while watching "Solaris" on my Mac.
I am relaxed.. I am glad to have work..
I have some great big plans.

Maybe soon depression will be back inside me..
for now, i am good.

tonight, through a lengthy, self completing monologue concerning the ardours and terrors of my past five years, I learned something of myself.

something that needed to be said aloud,
something that will, forever, change why I am.

in my raving, i told you a secret about me, something that no one existing knows. I revealed a thought that would give you the key to understanding...
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you are gone away

though we could be coiled together
infuriating a jealous moon
that has watched so many empassioned secrets

i dont even know how to describe my past week.... hell on earth comes sort of close.
aside from an unquenchable depression, i have managed to destroy the front end of my car in a 70 mph freeway collision.

i feel empty and weak and drained, like I no longer have anything supporting me.
there is something here that I am missing. And it really...
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So, I am at this unique and critical point, i think.
I have spent the past few months pushing people away and losing myself to the slavery of my addiction. I have been totally subdued and defeated by the stress of my massive responsibilities and my savage lonliness and my self destructive obligation to please those in my life who have asserted some position of...
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M, could you be any mor eout of line??

christ. what will it take?

i have rediscovered my geometries. yay.

"If we could sniff or swallow something that would, for five or six hours each day, abolish our solitude as individuals, atone us with our fellows in a glowing exaltation of affection and make life in all its aspects seem not only worth living, but divinely beautiful and significant, and if this heavenly, world-transfiguring drug were of such a...
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ok, so this whole "loving an asshole" thing isnt working.

you blow me off, pretend it isnt a big deal, then call me from some bar (at the time when we had plans) and ask me idiotic questions about other men while you are drunken into idiocy. fuck.

my heart has belonged to your sorry ass for way too long. have you ever treated anyone...
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this is like living in a shrinking cage.

I don't feel so great right now... but what else is new, right?
I have to get going in a minute.. make it to the methadone clinic and then to school for a make up exam.

I have a million things to finish doing.

I don't know how any of you do it.. this whole living thing. I can hardly be awake without grabbing a...
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