vassago

People tonight seemed extra vile. And by seeming, I mean completely disgusting. From the way that fat girls were crammed into "sexy" clothes and trying to find cock, to the way that "cock" was wandering around in droves, bumping, grunting, and posturing; futiley competing for the right of insemination.

Of course, I am probably only this mean because I hate myself.

yeah, let's go with that.

I hate myself in the way you would hate someone else. Someone who had wronged you terribly.
You know, that cold, heartless sort of hate that relishes the suffering of your enemy.

That is how I see myself.

I struggled to find something different. To find a way to live that would make me more like you.

For awhile, I might have been there. I loved a girl. I had my crew, and I loved them.
I "knew" that they loved me.
I "knew" love was going to be my happiness.

Then, in December, everything became different.
kat went away. abruptly.
She told me it was my fault.
She said I had done somehting wrong, that I loved her way too much.

She stopped calling me, and she stopped loving me.
I have cried for months. No tears bring my baby back, no amount of emails or letters or prayers bring any kind of explanation at all. She turned the part of her that liked me off.

No more angel.

Then, not a month or two later... my crew.
Mike lived with me, when he moved out, I found that he had stolen from me severely and caused some serious damage. Then, his GF cheated on him with his best friend. I found out. I told him.
On wed. Aaron (the "Best" friend) called me.
He threatened my safety. he said they were going to hurt me if they saw me.
I cannot help it if he cannot control his fucking penis. I did what was right.

In the end, they all hate they unholy fuck out of me.
They said that they hope i OD.

yeah, ok.
These kids were my family. The only eight people that actually cared if I lived, gone in such a tiny bit of time.

I cry all the time. I am angry every day.
I hate everything, ever.

I derserve it. I have been abandoned by those I needed and now I am choking in a depression that I fear words alone cannot justify. I am not triyng to be dramatic. This entry is for me. Pity wont help, it will hurt.
The very fact that eight of my closest have gone away, unrelated to one another, leaves a single common thread as the only answer. Me.
I deserve to be left, to be alone.
Funny, cause I have known this for years and years.

On some level, I am human waste that devours and victimizes everyone who loves him, I deserve what I will get.

And this misery and hate clouds my every goddamn day. I can hardly pry myself from bed to get to work.

I have finished no project. No work is ever done.
I cry, I sleep. That is what I do.
And this is too old. I am such a thing at this point that I cannot expect anything but pity from anyone.
I am so tired and so full of hate that I know there is not going to be another answer, whether far or near.

I think of dying all of the time. every day.
sometimes hundreds of times.
it is hard for me to talk about. any way I bring it to someone, it is going to look like whining for attention.
I cannot help that. I am sorry.

Still, the dreams and temptations are growing.
The other day, I caught myself tearing up with a sort of bittersweet happiness over the thought of going.
The peaceful way that it might happen, I could just od and dream away and then it wouldnt matter that Kat forgot me or that the very infrastructure of my life is vanishing.

I sort of wish I could see myself when I was found. All gray and tiny and curled up, probably in my bed, my silly knotted hair a mess... my face might be calm, too.

I can gaurantee that i wont look sad.