Today has brought with it a painful epiphany.. a new understanding of what isolation actually is.
There was a time, not so long ago, when a dozen people wanted my company.
And I had a handful of what I thought were friends...
And then, my so called relatiosnhip with Morgan ended.
She cheated, and then she started sleeping around and talking mad shit about me.
Nothing special, right?
Wrong, I guess.
Since that time.. over the past several weeks, my friends have gradually, and virtually all of you.. abandoned me. Christopher, he cheated with Morgan and has stabbed me in the back.. avoiding me completely and lying about his relationship with her when he sees me.
David seems to spend all sorts of time with her, as if she never hurt me or abused me.. but she has a cunt, so why not choose her, right? Why not believe the pathetic lies she spreads.. maybe she'll spread something else for you.
And Morgan, cheats and abandons me.. after I took all of her BS with a fucking smile.
And Len and Elaina and Brandie.. simply have blown me off. Never returning a phone call or calling to see how I am.. let alone bothering to visit.
The list is so long.. Audra, you avoid me.. And Andrea and Byron, not a word in weeks.
It is like everyone I used to know as friends has decided to turn on me.. for (seemingly?) no reason at all.. and it is so painful, because this is when I really needed you all.. Im actually detoxing from methadone and struggling against this all.. and doing it alone, and it fucking terrifies me. What the fuck did I do to any of you?
I haven't known a loving word or touch or thought in so long.
This weekend, when someone actually dared to treat me like a person, it was nearly overwhelming. You, all of you... have no idea what this pain is doing to me.
I am shutting down, and I wont make it long for that.
But, really, I am sure it is my fault.
There was a time, not so long ago, when a dozen people wanted my company.
And I had a handful of what I thought were friends...
And then, my so called relatiosnhip with Morgan ended.
She cheated, and then she started sleeping around and talking mad shit about me.
Nothing special, right?
Wrong, I guess.
Since that time.. over the past several weeks, my friends have gradually, and virtually all of you.. abandoned me. Christopher, he cheated with Morgan and has stabbed me in the back.. avoiding me completely and lying about his relationship with her when he sees me.
David seems to spend all sorts of time with her, as if she never hurt me or abused me.. but she has a cunt, so why not choose her, right? Why not believe the pathetic lies she spreads.. maybe she'll spread something else for you.
And Morgan, cheats and abandons me.. after I took all of her BS with a fucking smile.
And Len and Elaina and Brandie.. simply have blown me off. Never returning a phone call or calling to see how I am.. let alone bothering to visit.
The list is so long.. Audra, you avoid me.. And Andrea and Byron, not a word in weeks.
It is like everyone I used to know as friends has decided to turn on me.. for (seemingly?) no reason at all.. and it is so painful, because this is when I really needed you all.. Im actually detoxing from methadone and struggling against this all.. and doing it alone, and it fucking terrifies me. What the fuck did I do to any of you?
I haven't known a loving word or touch or thought in so long.
This weekend, when someone actually dared to treat me like a person, it was nearly overwhelming. You, all of you... have no idea what this pain is doing to me.
I am shutting down, and I wont make it long for that.
But, really, I am sure it is my fault.
But, really, I am sure it is my fault.
I'm feeling a lot better then what i was. found out that i'm pregnant again and it has brought some happiness into my life. i was really depressed and blaming myself for my miscarriage , even though it wasn't my fault. but still , i couldn't stop blaming myself for it. as for cutting i have to rethink things before i feel the urge to do it and remember that cutting at this time in my life wouldn't be a healthy decision . i have to think about staying healthy for me and the baby. i was going to cut on sunday , but something inside stopped me , then when i got the news on monday i decided that i'm going to focus myself and all of my energy on this pregnancy and pray to every god and goddess that i can think of that i wont miscarry again. these last couple of months have been hell for me , but i think things are going to be getting better. i don't feel like a total fertitily fuck up anymore .
Im actually detoxing from methadone and struggling against this all.. and doing it alone, and it fucking terrifies me. you're not alone i'm here for u. u have a new friend that may be miles away and online, but does give a shit . my husband and i should be making a trip out to detroit soon. we should hang . i wish there was something i could do to make u happy and rid u of some of your pain. next time u feel like cutting write something in my journal instead, and i will do the same.
[Edited on May 26, 2004 3:30AM]
(A)ccepts you as you are
(B)elieves in "you"
(C)alls you just to say "HI"
(D)oesn't give up on you
(E)nvisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts)
(F)orgives your mistakes
(G)ives unconditionally
(H)elps you
(I)nvites you over
(J)ust "be" with you
(K)eeps you close at heart
(L)oves you for who you are
(M)akes a difference in your life
(N)ever Judges
(O)ffer support
(P)icks you up
(Q)uiets your fears
(R)aises your spirits
(S)ays nice things about you
(T)ells you the truth when you need to hear it
(U)nderstands you
(V)alues you
(W)alks beside you
(X)-plains thing you don't understand
(Y)ells when you won't listen and
(Z)aps you back to reality
I don't know you but I can definitely empathize with your situation.