My birthday is June 19th.
I don't want to be older. I almost want to pass away.. just so that in a small respect, I can be a child forever, you know?
I miss being tiny.
I miss being so small that the world actually seemed big. I miss being a tiny little WoP that didn't hate anything and hadn't yet been raped or beaten or betrayed. I want to forever be that curly haired, saucer eyed little mediterranean boy that used to have my soul. What I have grown into is a disgrace to everything that little boy found amazing.
I do not feel anything beautiful now, and I need to. I woke today weeping for 'K'. There are nerves in my body that still don't understand that she is gone. Sometimes they scream out in pain for her, and all I can do is shake and curl into a ball and cry.
well, that, and I can cut till I am quiet.
Nothing makes it better. Time isn't helping.
Why isn't time helping?
Why has she already forgotten me and moved on?
I can have no real answers of any kind. She doesn''t even acknowledge that I am the same person she loved with her entire little soul.
ick. I am whining.
I don't know what to do. Metal things, I suppose.
...More scarrs.
For my birthday, I will be hurting.
That little boy will be one more year closer to dead forever, and there is a hole in the shape of a ming-ka in my heart. So, for my birthday, I would like some honesty. I want some attention from those who love me, or those who want me, and I want it to be completely honest; no matter what the object.
There is no way to soothe the burns of my defeat.
I don't want to be older. I almost want to pass away.. just so that in a small respect, I can be a child forever, you know?
I miss being tiny.
I miss being so small that the world actually seemed big. I miss being a tiny little WoP that didn't hate anything and hadn't yet been raped or beaten or betrayed. I want to forever be that curly haired, saucer eyed little mediterranean boy that used to have my soul. What I have grown into is a disgrace to everything that little boy found amazing.
I do not feel anything beautiful now, and I need to. I woke today weeping for 'K'. There are nerves in my body that still don't understand that she is gone. Sometimes they scream out in pain for her, and all I can do is shake and curl into a ball and cry.
well, that, and I can cut till I am quiet.
Nothing makes it better. Time isn't helping.
Why isn't time helping?
Why has she already forgotten me and moved on?
I can have no real answers of any kind. She doesn''t even acknowledge that I am the same person she loved with her entire little soul.
ick. I am whining.
I don't know what to do. Metal things, I suppose.
...More scarrs.
For my birthday, I will be hurting.
That little boy will be one more year closer to dead forever, and there is a hole in the shape of a ming-ka in my heart. So, for my birthday, I would like some honesty. I want some attention from those who love me, or those who want me, and I want it to be completely honest; no matter what the object.
There is no way to soothe the burns of my defeat.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
tattva:
I've always felt that while we're very young we're actually closer to death. In the sense of having just been reborn....if you believe that sort of thing.....with everything being new as a child, things are just more interesting,...I hope that feeling comes back in death.
flux:
well, in a manner totally incongruous with the nature of your post, happy fucking birthday. 