Sorry folks - I'm taking time off for an existential crisis.
I'm no paragon of SG participation, anyway, but I'm really not posting lately.
Life is very tumultuous for everyone I know right now - it must be in the stars somewhere.
My whole family is limping along with back, neck, leg, shoulder and other problems.
Some of them have moved in with me to recuperate.
The house has been thrown into chaos and re-cleaned as rooms are moved and reconfigured.
My significant other and I went right to the brink of breakup and have now come back.
We're starting to actually talk, love, be intimate, and have good sex again. I hope we can get into a new groove that will stick.
Work has put me on notice that I must get my shit together or risk reprimand.
They were right - I have been doing a shitty job, and that's very hard for me to deal with.
After a few days of rage, I'm pulling plans together and starting to work toward doing a better job.
Part of the bomb dropped on me at work was that I'm not "managing my image".
This, of all things, has me sitting on the roof howling at the moon.
I think I'm finally being forced into answering the question "Who are you?".
It's not a question I've been ready or able to answer ... ever.
I tend to respond "here I am, you tell me" - or better yet, Bodhidharma's "Don't know."
Now, at the least, I may have to make a handful of partial answers, and start using them, standing by them, and thinking about how people view those personas.
Part of me really wants to pick one persona and be that.
I don't want to comb my hair down and put on my polo shirt and khaki's for work, cover my tattoo and pretend I'm extroverted, then come back home and put on my skinny jeans and punk rock t-shirt, juice my hair up and crank the stereo. I want to be ONE PERSON - ME!
I'm tired of feeling like a fucking Frankenstein platypus freak because I'm naturally a brilliant computer and eco- geek, helpful and compassionate Buddhist, defiant punk, psychobilly fan, martial artist, and craftsperson.
It's never felt like the rest of the world wants to see all these facets in less than 3 people.
Punks shouldn't be reasonable, sensitive, open to compromise, or concerned with financial security.
Nice compassionate people and career professionals shouldn't love to get drunk, mosh, and flip people off.
Geeks shouldn't be able to kick your ass.
Did I mention that I'm a responsible and loving parent, too?
I dunno if I believe the supposedly reasonable people telling me that I need to manage my image.
I don't know if I want to impersonate stereotypes that strangers immediately understand, especially if it means struggling with self-acceptance again.
I think I might rather like to love being a freak and work at being a spokesperson for freaks.
It's risky - I can't afford to do a shitty job at work if I don't look like a team player.
But if I can do a good job, then I break stereotypes.
I dunno. All I know is the people down at the tattoo shop get me, and I'm sick of being afraid of what other people think about me.
I've got a lot to think about.
I'm no paragon of SG participation, anyway, but I'm really not posting lately.
Life is very tumultuous for everyone I know right now - it must be in the stars somewhere.
My whole family is limping along with back, neck, leg, shoulder and other problems.
Some of them have moved in with me to recuperate.
The house has been thrown into chaos and re-cleaned as rooms are moved and reconfigured.
My significant other and I went right to the brink of breakup and have now come back.
We're starting to actually talk, love, be intimate, and have good sex again. I hope we can get into a new groove that will stick.
Work has put me on notice that I must get my shit together or risk reprimand.
They were right - I have been doing a shitty job, and that's very hard for me to deal with.
After a few days of rage, I'm pulling plans together and starting to work toward doing a better job.
Part of the bomb dropped on me at work was that I'm not "managing my image".
This, of all things, has me sitting on the roof howling at the moon.
I think I'm finally being forced into answering the question "Who are you?".
It's not a question I've been ready or able to answer ... ever.
I tend to respond "here I am, you tell me" - or better yet, Bodhidharma's "Don't know."
Now, at the least, I may have to make a handful of partial answers, and start using them, standing by them, and thinking about how people view those personas.
Part of me really wants to pick one persona and be that.
I don't want to comb my hair down and put on my polo shirt and khaki's for work, cover my tattoo and pretend I'm extroverted, then come back home and put on my skinny jeans and punk rock t-shirt, juice my hair up and crank the stereo. I want to be ONE PERSON - ME!
I'm tired of feeling like a fucking Frankenstein platypus freak because I'm naturally a brilliant computer and eco- geek, helpful and compassionate Buddhist, defiant punk, psychobilly fan, martial artist, and craftsperson.
It's never felt like the rest of the world wants to see all these facets in less than 3 people.
Punks shouldn't be reasonable, sensitive, open to compromise, or concerned with financial security.
Nice compassionate people and career professionals shouldn't love to get drunk, mosh, and flip people off.
Geeks shouldn't be able to kick your ass.
Did I mention that I'm a responsible and loving parent, too?
I dunno if I believe the supposedly reasonable people telling me that I need to manage my image.
I don't know if I want to impersonate stereotypes that strangers immediately understand, especially if it means struggling with self-acceptance again.
I think I might rather like to love being a freak and work at being a spokesperson for freaks.
It's risky - I can't afford to do a shitty job at work if I don't look like a team player.
But if I can do a good job, then I break stereotypes.
I dunno. All I know is the people down at the tattoo shop get me, and I'm sick of being afraid of what other people think about me.
I've got a lot to think about.