twotoner

So for the fifth night in a row I've had dreams with my ex in them. Can't remember what they're all about or what happens in them. I just know that she's in them.

Pretty sure last night's dream had her and I at her best friend's house. We argued about something, then I held her.

Haven't talked with her since Aug. 2. It was then that I told her that that was the last she'd ever hear from me. This comes after 7 years of being together (even though there was a 15-month separation in there). In case I hadn't mentioned it, she suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, but didn't tell me about them. Ended up going to a therapist and two weeks later I was out the door.

All her friends were getting married and having kids. Same thing with the girls she worked with. We, meanwhile, hadn't even moved in together.

It was always a matter of me not thinking it was a good time to settle down. The job I had only had a salary of $24,000 a year. She's still going to college out in the suburbs and working out there on the weekend. Didn't make sense for her to move into the city when she'd just have to drive an hour every day.

Now I'm making more than that with the new gig. I've moved to Philly. What she's doing now...I don't know.

It hurts a lot right now. More so than before and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because so many things I hoped we could share are finally happening and she's gone. Found a shirt she bought on our last trip to NYC. She never wore it - was in a bag from the Fred Perry store.

Now I'm in Philadelphia. She's where she's at.

It all kinda sucks when it should be great.