twink

sometimes i'm so afraid that it becomes exhausting. the muscles in my legs cramp and ache and my chest drags low and heavy. it's because i don't know why i deserve this. i am still waiting for this to be revealed as some kind of a clever rouse. how can i know? how can i ask for certainty when i don't have any myself? even now i feel steeped in mellodrama. what is it to be deserving of someone else's love? i know what the word means to me and i know how strongly i feel right now, but i also know that people change without warning. after that i could be left alone, crying in a bathtub listening to sad bastard music too tired to cry anymore, again. i think it's crazy that i can't just STOP being afraid of that hurt that i am so familiar with. the memory of it fades as my life progresses, but sometimes that scares me even more. i don't want t forget how shitty it feels to be left behind because there is a part of me that still feels she needs to be prepared.