Oh. Head spinning. Achingly lonely tonight (and just plain aching, but that's another story).
Still in a foreign land. Couldn't call home tonight -- why won't the number go through when it did just fine up till today? Wanted to meet with someone here yesterday and/or today but couldn't raise them. Why? Did I offend? Are they ok? Am I too needy? Not needy enough? Much self doubt. Worms in my head.
No, I'm not drunk, not on drugs (other than my usual meds -- and yes I HAVE been taking them). But tonight the head swims. And I yearn for human contact. Had a "cocktail hour" with the group I'm meeting with this week. Bah -- that's not human contact. So much blather. I want to spend silent hours gazing at someone's eyes. Holding hands. Making contact.
Instead I'm here in the dark alone. With a mind going 100 mph nowhere. Yearning. Wanting. Withering.
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Fear not, this too shall pass. But not tonight. No, not tonight.
Still in a foreign land. Couldn't call home tonight -- why won't the number go through when it did just fine up till today? Wanted to meet with someone here yesterday and/or today but couldn't raise them. Why? Did I offend? Are they ok? Am I too needy? Not needy enough? Much self doubt. Worms in my head.
No, I'm not drunk, not on drugs (other than my usual meds -- and yes I HAVE been taking them). But tonight the head swims. And I yearn for human contact. Had a "cocktail hour" with the group I'm meeting with this week. Bah -- that's not human contact. So much blather. I want to spend silent hours gazing at someone's eyes. Holding hands. Making contact.
Instead I'm here in the dark alone. With a mind going 100 mph nowhere. Yearning. Wanting. Withering.
-----
Fear not, this too shall pass. But not tonight. No, not tonight.
Loneliness is the worst because a lot of the time it's unfixable. If you're hungry you can eat. If you're dirty, you can take a shower. But if you're lonely, just being around "people" isn't necessarily the cure. Loneliness relies on connection and, like you said, contact. I hope you can battle thru the darkness and come out on the other side no worse for wear and tear.
Thinking of you....