Wrote this the other day in a coffee shop. sort of how i've been thinking about things recently. mostly in a backwards dreamy sort of way...
Coffee makes my heart beat too fast.
I used to have brown hair, long brown hair
But then I thought too much and my hairs fell out
And ideas grew instead and now I have hundreds
Of colors
Of hairs,
I mean ideas.
"Love life more than the meaning of it."
I read that once and I tried and I tried and I tried
But my mind opened before my eyes and
I spend all of my time walking down the middle of the street at dusk.
One half is sunny and Vitamin D is healthy but the rest of my nights are wild or disappointing.
Maybe I'll just sleep all day where there's no light and no night and no when.
If there was no light we would never want it
But sometimes I find myself craving sensations I've never known.
And if there was no night we'd have never driven around talking and we'd never have wandered. We never would wander. Wonder.
Maybe we could live backwards start at 100 and work to zero. Plan it out rationally like ancients do, like we would do and live from the ground up. It would feel ecstatic when you came back to life and it would feel like ssri's when the cancer improved. We would be so close and warm and comfortable forever, like old friends. Literally. Dead cells spontaneously would sprout from my head one day and you would think they were a beautiful brown. We could hang out with our kids and watch them learn the joys of childhood after that awkward period when they hate us. Then we'd go on adventures after they disappeared. The nonexistence of our children would be depressing I think, so we'd backpack through Europe and unlearn Spanish on our way to unlearning everything of course. We'd start having sex all the time and laying around in bed all day and doing drugs and feeling ourselves a force upon the world, a many colored light to unleash. Everyone has to be in love or they'll never really understand what truth means. Then we'd get depressed about missing old age and worrying about youth and how everyone was going to change. Everyone always changes. You could start college a semester late because it was just too fucking much and you couldn't take all that bullshit and good students are just good students because they're good students. They comb their hair too neatly. I use my hands but I'm a little rough and sometimes I scratch my brain. The whole time though I think I would really just be waiting to be fourteen and Romeo and Juliet and feel this for the first time and we could kill ourselves over and over again just to see what it felt like and maybe you'd make rivers with tears when you saw me come back to life. If life is magic we could kiss shut a stab wound. I'm glad we'd keep on knowing each other before that. Life without you would be lonely, and I don't want to live the Freudian stage without your lovely child eyes. We might get a disorder with so much unfulfilled attachment sickness. Death would be amazing or no it wouldn't it wouldn't be anything at all it wouldn't even be death. just glittering. We would be six and then five and life would pop and roar with newness, joy and sadness would spring spontaneously from every ounce of our being, ounces not pounds, you always wanted to weigh nothing. And I will hug you when you drop your ice cream. And then the feeling of crying without thoughts and wanting without logic and then warmth without living and then nothing without self.
Coffee makes my heart beat too fast.
I used to have brown hair, long brown hair
But then I thought too much and my hairs fell out
And ideas grew instead and now I have hundreds
Of colors
Of hairs,
I mean ideas.
"Love life more than the meaning of it."
I read that once and I tried and I tried and I tried
But my mind opened before my eyes and
I spend all of my time walking down the middle of the street at dusk.
One half is sunny and Vitamin D is healthy but the rest of my nights are wild or disappointing.
Maybe I'll just sleep all day where there's no light and no night and no when.
If there was no light we would never want it
But sometimes I find myself craving sensations I've never known.
And if there was no night we'd have never driven around talking and we'd never have wandered. We never would wander. Wonder.
Maybe we could live backwards start at 100 and work to zero. Plan it out rationally like ancients do, like we would do and live from the ground up. It would feel ecstatic when you came back to life and it would feel like ssri's when the cancer improved. We would be so close and warm and comfortable forever, like old friends. Literally. Dead cells spontaneously would sprout from my head one day and you would think they were a beautiful brown. We could hang out with our kids and watch them learn the joys of childhood after that awkward period when they hate us. Then we'd go on adventures after they disappeared. The nonexistence of our children would be depressing I think, so we'd backpack through Europe and unlearn Spanish on our way to unlearning everything of course. We'd start having sex all the time and laying around in bed all day and doing drugs and feeling ourselves a force upon the world, a many colored light to unleash. Everyone has to be in love or they'll never really understand what truth means. Then we'd get depressed about missing old age and worrying about youth and how everyone was going to change. Everyone always changes. You could start college a semester late because it was just too fucking much and you couldn't take all that bullshit and good students are just good students because they're good students. They comb their hair too neatly. I use my hands but I'm a little rough and sometimes I scratch my brain. The whole time though I think I would really just be waiting to be fourteen and Romeo and Juliet and feel this for the first time and we could kill ourselves over and over again just to see what it felt like and maybe you'd make rivers with tears when you saw me come back to life. If life is magic we could kiss shut a stab wound. I'm glad we'd keep on knowing each other before that. Life without you would be lonely, and I don't want to live the Freudian stage without your lovely child eyes. We might get a disorder with so much unfulfilled attachment sickness. Death would be amazing or no it wouldn't it wouldn't be anything at all it wouldn't even be death. just glittering. We would be six and then five and life would pop and roar with newness, joy and sadness would spring spontaneously from every ounce of our being, ounces not pounds, you always wanted to weigh nothing. And I will hug you when you drop your ice cream. And then the feeling of crying without thoughts and wanting without logic and then warmth without living and then nothing without self.
lily:
you write beautifully. I miss you too. when will we meet again?