troubledoll

every time a few months go by and i think i'm over you, you show up again. not your fault that you make me crazy and miserable, it's like the song says "excuse me while i break my own heart tonight". pathetic, i'd willingly give you my heart to break, if there was a ghost of a chance you wanted it for even a moment or two. wrapped in silk and velvet, with a mother-of-pearl spoon and silver knife; juicy with blood and love and passion and all the other things you don't want from me. how can i be 39 years old and have learned nothing? i might as well be 15 again, and riding past your house on my bike after school. noticemenodontnoticeme thinkimbeautiful nodontlookatme talktomeipromisemytonguewillmakewords beautifulwords words to convince you to open your eyes and see the woman who would die for you. is already dying for you. unrequited love, the best and worst kind. best because it stays a dream and perfect beautiful unsullied by reality. worst because it stays a dream and perfect beautiful unsullied by reality. love is supposed to be dirty and funny and sunset and passion and anger and lust and quiet and loud and all the colors the paint shop can mix up for you. and right now i think i hate anyone who has that kind of love and isn't able to appreciate it. it's rare and fleeting and you don't get many chances at it. enjoy the ride while you can, because if you run out of quarters you have to go home.
DAMMIT why am i sitting here after working a 15 hour day and all i can think about is you? and i know that later i'll take a shower and crawl into bed into my soft clean cotton sheets and think of you again and it will be perfect because its just a dream and it will be a nightmare because it will never be real. sometimes i wish i could just go ahead and swallow a fistfull of pills, or cut myself deep enough to bleed out and not FEEL anymore. i've tried drugs and drink and just can't stay numb. i'm no fool, no jerry mac you complete me bullshit, but if i have to feel like this can i please have somethig to go with? i want you more than godiva chocolate single malt scotch my debts paid off 1000 count cotton sheets the fluffiest duvet ever a room in paris overlooking the seine a trip to tibet a new tattoo a winning lottery ticket a weedless garden jordan cabernet 1983 a trip to vegas a winning lottery ticket a first edition ed abbey a week of no florescent lights or loud noises a cabin in the woods an adobe house in the ghosttown ghosttown is my soul right now. and you are somewhere else and you are not thinking of me at all and you are everything i've ever wanted and a cherry on top. and i am empty and staying empty. no gasoline power no clean solar energy. just a heart slowly drying in my own personal desert/a hand needing to be held. breaking my own heart, because i don't matter enough for you to do it for me.