This past weekend, the girl I'm in love with is with some guy. You know, I was okay with it when I was home in May. I only asked that she tell me. Instead I find out through social media. In a fit of drunken rage I post some stuff on social media myself, because I'm just emotionally destroyed. Keep in mind I still love this girl, but the problem is since I joined the military I moved to Florida. She lives in California. I want to have a long distance thing where I go and visit as much as possible and she come and visit as much as possible. She always says the distance scares her, and I myself am terrified of the distance. The only reason I want to have one with her is because I know it'll work. I only know now that it will never work out between the two of us because she won't choose me over anyone. If there were 2 curtains and I was behind curtain number 1, she would pick curtain number 2, because curtain number 2 is here and I'm there. She got mad at me because she's going through some troubled times. I'm going through troubled times too, but you know, for a while I was sending her messages saying "I love you, hope you have a great day" and stuff like that. In return I received nothing. Something that would've taken a mere 5 seconds, never happened. I waited, and waited for a response. And she said how dare I believe that she didn't love me and that when she says I love you to someone that she means it. Well, I'm so god damn insecure because I have been through a lot in my 20 years of life. I don't know how to talk to many women I find attractive. I have some pretty fucking low self esteem, but you know what could've helped? A simple message saying I love you too. It could've been once a week and I'd have been happy. A simple "Gabriel, I love you and I think I want to be in a relationship with you regardless of the distance. I'm saying this because I love you and I know you love me, let us try to make this work." She even said she would wait for me until the next time I went home which was going to be February. I'm just destroyed. Every bit of my own being gone. All I want to do now is drown my sorrows in alcohol. I always feel so loved and unwanted when I talk to her. It drives me nuts. Especially when she says i love you. If she loves me, why can't she wait? Why can't she just choose me? Is there something wrong with me? Is everything wrong with me? I just don't know. It's a bit pathetic when I think about it. I've been in Miami almost 2 years now. I've just been waiting for her. While she's been with one guy ended that shortly after my leave ended and now is with some other guy. Am I just not good enough? She wants me to wait for my contract to end, which will be in 4 years, and see where we both are. I already know. I'm still going to love her, she'll be with someone, I'll get angry, I'll get drunk and overly emotional because the girl I love, I already know who she will choose. Let me narrow it down, it isn't going to be me. She even got mad at me for making her seem like a big fat bitch. Well I mean when you say to wait and give you some time and I do then you get with some guy and I find out through social media, it kind of does make you a big fat bitch.
