I would like to think that we are totally responsible for our own lives, and everything that happens, but it just isn't so. It can't be, and although I am hard on myself and take full responsibility, I know all too well that things can happen when you are very young that change everything about your life.
So I'm doing what I can and am going to try and put a total stranger away for the rest of his for something he did 12 years ago. I could've let them plea him out, serve enough time so he'd be old when he was released...but I couldn't take the easy way out. I told them that I'm willing to take it to trial, to do everything I can to ensure the safety of children I will never know. Because the system failed me, a little girl twenty years ago tried to put him away, too, and he didn't go long enough, and what happened to her happened to me, and probably countless other little girls.
Where he messed up was that I wasn't as young as most of his victims. I looked 8 or 9, but I was 11 and I remembered everything. I remember it everyday. To actually vocalize what he did to me makes me sick. It could've been worse...I know that...but that's how I fucked myself in the head in the first place. "I was raped, I wasn't taken advantage of everyday for years..." but that does not change that what happened to me touched on a hell that shouldn't even exist. A plane of evilness, malevolence, something that comes straight from Satan, because God does not exist where I have been. God was there when it was over, but when it happened, he couldn't go there because it's that evil.
I've made a huge mess of things. People will be subpenoaed, it will take a long time to do it. To put it together. But his first victim is willing to go through it again, and if she can do it twice before thirty, then I can do it, too. I will do this.
But I'm scared I should've folded. Of course, there's a small chance he won't go to jail...but I'll be dead before I don't try to send him there for the rest of his life. He sent me to my own prison, made a decision that will affect me everyday, and I had no choice. So fuck that, I'm choosing to make this as difficult as possible, and I hope federal prison in the state of Alabama kills him. But not quickly, because that would be too forgiving.
I am doing this so that I can be proud to have my own children someday. I am doing this because I can't gain peace from knowing that I didn't do everything I could to protect the children of that shitty town, that fucking shithole, that pedophile haven it has become.
Fuck that.
I'm one angry and determined woman, and it's been 12 years coming. I only wish I could've done it a long time ago, but I thought it was best to protect my family from everything. I could handle it. I shouldn't have, fuck all those adult figures in the situation, but I did handle it.
And here I am. Only this time, I'm not alone. I've got support, I've got a legal system, and I've got one hell of a case against this guy.
The biggest mistake he made was choosing my tiny self to violate, to steal from, to take. But I've taken it all back, every last bit of it, and I've got enough ammo for a lifetime of this. The biggest mistake he ever made was justifying to his coward self (he ran from me!) that he could do that to little girls.
Death he doesn't deserve. He derserves 12 years of pain first, the kind of pain I have had, and all his other victims. Then he can die a painful, sorry death and know that he was never loved. That God couldn't love him. Satan won't, but he does promise a special place in Hell just for him. Something deeper that only people who steal things from children can go.
And that's okay with me.
So I'm doing what I can and am going to try and put a total stranger away for the rest of his for something he did 12 years ago. I could've let them plea him out, serve enough time so he'd be old when he was released...but I couldn't take the easy way out. I told them that I'm willing to take it to trial, to do everything I can to ensure the safety of children I will never know. Because the system failed me, a little girl twenty years ago tried to put him away, too, and he didn't go long enough, and what happened to her happened to me, and probably countless other little girls.
Where he messed up was that I wasn't as young as most of his victims. I looked 8 or 9, but I was 11 and I remembered everything. I remember it everyday. To actually vocalize what he did to me makes me sick. It could've been worse...I know that...but that's how I fucked myself in the head in the first place. "I was raped, I wasn't taken advantage of everyday for years..." but that does not change that what happened to me touched on a hell that shouldn't even exist. A plane of evilness, malevolence, something that comes straight from Satan, because God does not exist where I have been. God was there when it was over, but when it happened, he couldn't go there because it's that evil.
I've made a huge mess of things. People will be subpenoaed, it will take a long time to do it. To put it together. But his first victim is willing to go through it again, and if she can do it twice before thirty, then I can do it, too. I will do this.
But I'm scared I should've folded. Of course, there's a small chance he won't go to jail...but I'll be dead before I don't try to send him there for the rest of his life. He sent me to my own prison, made a decision that will affect me everyday, and I had no choice. So fuck that, I'm choosing to make this as difficult as possible, and I hope federal prison in the state of Alabama kills him. But not quickly, because that would be too forgiving.
I am doing this so that I can be proud to have my own children someday. I am doing this because I can't gain peace from knowing that I didn't do everything I could to protect the children of that shitty town, that fucking shithole, that pedophile haven it has become.
Fuck that.
I'm one angry and determined woman, and it's been 12 years coming. I only wish I could've done it a long time ago, but I thought it was best to protect my family from everything. I could handle it. I shouldn't have, fuck all those adult figures in the situation, but I did handle it.
And here I am. Only this time, I'm not alone. I've got support, I've got a legal system, and I've got one hell of a case against this guy.
The biggest mistake he made was choosing my tiny self to violate, to steal from, to take. But I've taken it all back, every last bit of it, and I've got enough ammo for a lifetime of this. The biggest mistake he ever made was justifying to his coward self (he ran from me!) that he could do that to little girls.
Death he doesn't deserve. He derserves 12 years of pain first, the kind of pain I have had, and all his other victims. Then he can die a painful, sorry death and know that he was never loved. That God couldn't love him. Satan won't, but he does promise a special place in Hell just for him. Something deeper that only people who steal things from children can go.
And that's okay with me.
Everything that you are doing is fucking great. Yeah it is stirring up shit from the past but when you totally bomb the fuck out of your past then you have cleared away less enemies to haunt your mental future.
You know Kat. I can see why I have so many Leo friends and have never dated one. Most likely she would end up being more my fucking mom than my mate. I was just fucking off on my drums and guitar when I logged on and saw your comment there.
Like I've said before doll. I fucking envy your strength. Wish I fucking had it, seriously, no shit. I envy you and will always be drawn to what is going on in your existence.
You are very hardcore Kat, and I think you really know that. I think the struggle with you is wondering where to direct your power and energy from day to day. I'm going to go jam out for a bit longer . Take care doll, you know who luvs ya, fucking L8er babe...................AJ