It's a rough day, every day, being bi-polar. You tell people that's what you are, and they misjudge you. Because they think they know what it means and yet, they have no clue. Kind of the way society treats everyone of "difference". You have a tattoo? Piercing? Automatic deviant. You like those of the same sex? Blasphemy. It's all bullshit.
I'm just venting. Because here I feel I can, and not get judged, not be torn down for what I am and how I feel and what I choose to think or believe. Here people expose themselves, and I admire that and appreciate it. Sometimes a guy just needs to let loose. Sometimes I just need to spit it all out, no direction, no discretion, just let the giant scream in me shout itself out. I don't care if you listen, I don't care if you sympathize. I don't need to be liked or admired or even noticed. I just need to write, and maybe let someone relate. Or not, it doesn't matter. Everyone deals with their shit in their own manner. I write. It's not glorious, it's not epic, it's certainly not fucking Shakespeare. But it's me. If it touches you, I am flattered. If it doesn't, I'm sorry you wasted the time to read.
"Life is pain, anyone who tells you different is selling something". One of my favorite quotes (The Princess Bride).
"Duty is heavier than a mountain, death as light as a feather", another favorite quote (The Wheel of Time)
As the days and years go by, I find myself losing myself. I'm not sure if this is the natural progression of maturity, or that I just lost sight of who I was and who I thought I was supposed to be. Time changes everything, reality changes everything. We become things, fall into the place of things, we never thought we would be. We adapt to the world and we become something else.
Is it wrong? Are we selling out? Or just evolving?
I don't know. I don't know who I am any more, I don't know what I want. I don't know if even fucking care. I don't know what the fucking point is. I thought I did. I thought I had a direction. Turns out, I have several hundred. Thousand. Maybe millions. Einstein could hurt himself with the math.
Like I said, I am just venting. Being what I am, it is a difficult time for me. Being who I am, well, I write. It doesn't need to make sense, it needs to keep me from doing something stupid. And if this is stupid, I can live with that.
It's a shit world right now. We all have crap we are dealing with. Some of it mutual, some of it personal.
I wish the best for you all. I wish I could give something more than foaming at the mouth. I wish... well a whole truckload of things, but reality is what it is. So I'll settle for wishing you health and happiness.
Stay safe, stay happy, stay true to yourself. I adore you all. Thank you for sharing yourselves.