torihoney

i'm not sure how to be ok lately. one of my friends said the way i describe how i feel sometimes sounds like the classic description of being bipolar. great. everyday i feel increasingly distant from the one person in my life that i should feel closer to. we don't share any common goals, and spending time alone is like a slow and hurtful realization that maybe we aren't going to get out of this. if someone isn't coming over to our house all of the time, he panics, and that makes me feel like i'm definitely not good company to him anymore. i'm not without fault, i know that.... but when you never feel loved by someone, how hard would you try?

i feel as if i have a new part of my life that i'm trying to make happen, the more grown up adult life, and sometimes i wonder if i am trying to make a square peg fit a round hole. where is my ozzie and harriet life that i thought would be mine someday? i never thought it would feel this lonely, or this hopeless. is it so bad to want someone to want to have children with you? i just feel like i am not enough of too many things that he wants.. why else would he fill his time with so many other people?

i just know that with each passing day, my perspective gets a little further away, and i am wondering how far we'll get from each other before he turns around one day, and i'm not right behind him?sometimes i feel like what i want makes me selfish, and sometimes i feel like being selfish might just save my life.

that's all