topaz

Okay, I'm going to try to start keeping up with sg again, I swear. So that last post, where I was all in man hating mode? I took the fucker back. He swore up and down that he had changed, that he now realized what he had, blah blah blah, and I believed him. Stupid topaz. Anyway, things were incredible for a few weeks and then they weren't and now here I am, right back where I was. He broke up with me last week, saying that he loved me more than anything but he didn't think that it could work. That he would always disappoint or fail me and he couldn't handle that. But that he still wanted me to fight for him... Whatever.
I'm glad he broke up with me, I really am, because the whole love thing kinda prevented me from seeing the situation for what it was. But I'm so angry that he pursued me so hard in the first place. Why? We broke up after almost two years and he cheated and lied, the works. Why work so hard to win someone back, just to repeat the cycle two months later? Of course I know the answer to this question. The real question, of course, is why did I take him back, but I know the answer to that, too. So, now I'm single but feeling strong about it this time. Sure I have moments where my heart feels like it's going to beat so hard that it will burst out of my chest and thrash around on the floor like a dying fish. And there are things I really miss, like fitting into all of his nooks and crannies. But for the most part I feel strong and liberated and free. I usually jump from one relationship to the next, but this time I have no relationship prospects, and I'm ready to be myself, single and self aware.
I just got back from visiting my dad, who lives at the coast. I went to the high school where he works and did a workshop with the theatre classes on stage makeup. I taught them how to make bloody gashes and bullet wounds. It was awesome. They were so excited and there love of theatre was so naive and pure. It made me really happy. Teenagers are so funny.
I also graduated from Aveda a couple of weeks ago and am working at a little salon near my house. It's so cute and cozy and the owner is awesome. I have high hopes for the job. I've really been wanting to get out of the country, though. I feel stuck here because of my family, school, cats and job... but I would love to go do something that mattered. I don't know what but the idea keeps popping out at me, every movie I watch, book I read, client I talk to. It's really calling me. I guess it's just not time yet.
Anyway, I really appreciate all the kind words. Hope you all are doing well, too!