What does independence mean to me? (TRIGGER WARNING: EMOTIONAL ABUSE/ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS)
I read the prompt in the Blog Homework thread and it struck home with me more than ever today.
My independence means a lot to me as it was taken away from me for 4 years within an abusive relationship. To this day the mental scares still affect me. The relationship began as a wonderful, fruitful, joyus thing; full of amazing sex and spooning, cute dates and car rides. Little adventures. Slowly it started to turn sour but my glasses had already been tainted and I was in love. There is so much I cannot write in this as it would be far too long, but I will try my best to explain what and why independence means so much to me.
For the first two years it was beautiful, somewhat rocky like any relationship with its odd spat over nothing. When the third year came and we moved in and got engaged, that was when it struck. I suddenly didn't have any friends, I had moved away from my family and he was the only one that drove and I wasn't 'allowed' to learn to drive because, 'why would you? I have a car we both don't need to drive'. I had stopped modelling he 'didn't like it' I deleted my tumblr as the thought of me talking to other people was just too much. If I left the house without makeup on I was 'making myself up to impress people' if I bought new clothes it was 'you should return that you dont need to dress up' I was told my hair (white blonde) at the time was my best feature and if I dyed it any other colour he would find me ugly and leave me... So I bleached my hair every 2 weeks to maintain it.
The sex stopped. For the two years I lived in this cycle we did not have sex, he recoiled when I touched him, he did not kiss me, he wouldn't come near me.
I saw my mother on the 4th year, I had been working a job with children at a nursery: 6am-7pm + unpaid overtime and homework. I hadn't done my hair in months. She saw me and said 'who are you'
Afer that the cracks began to show and his parents sent us on holiday to 'fix' whatever it was that was broken. I checked my email and had been offered a job at a makeup counter, I told him, he threw a tantrum: 'How could you ever do that every day when you don't even do your job now properly' We'd been in Barcelona for 20 minutes. I spent the rest of the holiday taking valium every day and wanting to come home but I didn't have the money for the flights. We came home and lied and said we had a great time as to not disappoint his parents. We continued to not touch or speak for months. In the same house.
When we broke up it was a relief. He did it over the phone whilst I was with my parents and just simply said 'I don't love you anymore, don't beg me, its never going to happen' and when I went to pack up my stuff from the flat we shared together, he wasn't there. I haven't seen him since then, and it has now been 3 years
I have never written about him publicly like this, only eluded to a 'bad relationship' from my past, but as I read 'What does independence mean to you?' it threw me into a frenzy.
I moved home, I had a chance to transfer to a different avenue of childcare. I said no. I started from the bottom, I started shooting again, I became a performer, I taught myself fire, I started sex work. I grew up, I found myself. I showed myself I was capable of doing anything.
Indepence for me, is so much more than a word. It is a struggle, it is a fight, it is proof that I can overcome anything. It is a battle. I am not your baby, I am not yours, I am MINE. I belong to me and I will forever be my own. It is the one thing no one can take away from me. It is growth, it is beauty from rubble, it is flowers amongst weeds.
@rambo @missy
