toi

Being that since the age of 16 I have spent all my time in a serious relationships until about a year ago, this is a strange time of adjustment for me. I've gotten so used to giving myself to another person that it's hard to think of myself as a single entity again. I haven't really thought of myself in a long time, and I'm not so sure that I function all that well doing so. I am happy spending time with friends and doign what I want and it's a whole lot cheaper... but something is missing.

I feel lost.

It seems so much more logical to me to think of "an us" than just me. I can't really explain it, but there is something supremely fulfilling about living my life with someone else in the forefront of my mind. The building of a history, of a life that encompasses the loves of two hearts and minds...I miss it already. In no way am I saying I NEED a boyfriend to be happy. Boyfriend is a very complicated term for me. They become part of the family, best friend and are generaly a huge part of my everyday life.

I know I was built to care for someone more than I care for myself, and I don't think I'm alone in that respect. Most people long for someone to love, and be loved in return with the same passion and commitment. This is why we sacrifice ourselves to make that one special person happy, why we give all we have just to see them smile and hear them laugh.

I feel so many things that come out clumsy and look clichd when I write them down

...but the one thing I know is that I ache to hear "I love you" again... and for the person saying it to actually mean it this time.

I don't want to settle. I actually refuse to. I want that rediciously cute realtionship this time. The guy that send flowers on special occasions, who goes out of his way to make my bad day better, who remembers the little things. I always do this and am dying to know what its like in return for once. I don't want to be treated like Jason treated me ever ever again. Because of that I think I get scared when things go right and begin to doubt the other person's intentions.

Maybe I am just bad at reading people's intentions all together. Maybe that's why I got "forgotten" about by 3 different people that said they wanted to hang out last night... I don't know..

This blog was really pointless.. I don't know why I bothered... I just am tired of hearing I can't believe a girl like you is single... and people wanting an explaintion... plain and simple... I can't find anyone that meets my standards.