toastycoats

Blurgh. I am moody as fuck today. My boyfriend came over to pick me up after he got off work, and when I kissed him I smelled cigarette smoke. He's been trying to quit off and on for the past two months or so. When we first got together, it was no secret that he smoked, and he asked if it bothered me and I said well not really, even though it really did. I didn't want to screw up my chances with him because he seemed too good to be true. Then we got more serious, and he started trying to quit, even though I never said anything to him about it. It was all his decision. (I'm very much against people trying to change their partner. It only causes problems!) Anyways, he cut down significantly, and then about two and a half weeks ago he had about 5 cigs left in the pack and told me he wasn't going to buy another pack, and he was DONE when that pack was gone. I kind of figured he'd go back to it because I'm sure it's fucking hard to quit cold turkey like that, but I was supportive and happy. Sure enough... I asked him about it and he said he'd been smoking for about a week and I was pissed. I know I shouldn't have been (*bracing myself for boos and hisses from smokers and people who think I'm not as supportive as I should be*). But it's not the smoking that really bugs me (even though it does). It's the lying and sneaking around that drives me crazy. He knows I don't want to be smoked in front of, so he doesn't ever smoke in front of me anymore, which is good. But then he's like hiding his packs from me, which just seems fucking sneaky to me. I'm not a psycho bitch who would just throw the cigarettes in the toilet and flush it. When I asked him about the smoking today, he told me he didn't know what I was talking about. Don't fucking lie to me, I kiss you all the time, I can tell when you've had a cigarette!

I feel like I should defend myself a little. I tend to ramble when I'm upset or anything. I try really hard not to be a pushover or unsupportive. I smoke socially, when I'm drunk mostly, but I've never been addicted. I have heard/read that nicotine withdrawal is worse than heroine, or the addiction is more intense, or something along those lines, and I believe it. I'm not downplaying this at all. I KNOW it's tough. I just wish there was something I could do to help. I am not wanting him to quit for my own selfish reasons. I'm in healthcare. I know what smoking does to you. I don't want to put my husband in the hospital at 45 with lung cancer, or emphysema, or COPD. I don't want to see him go through that pain.

I don't know.... His main motivation was to quit for financial reasons. Smoking's expensive. But he needs to realize what it's doing to his lungs and his general health. He's 24 now and he's been smoking since he was 16. He says it used to be 2 packs a day, then 1 pack a day (when I met him), and now it's down to 3 packs a week. Significantly better, but still.

I'm just a do-it-myself type of person, and this is something I can't do for him and it kills me. I need to learn to let go and it's hard.

Anyways, if you're a smoker and you're reading this please don't be offended. This was just my own personal rant, I guess.

xoxo toasty