i am insecure
i have trust issues
and im scared they are going to ruin things with my girl.
i have a sinking feeling of despair
i know inside me its dumb to feel the way i do
but i still do
i know she loves me as much as i love her
but being apart, missing her so much...
it takes its toll.
i know she hates dealing with my insecurities, cuz they pop up so frequently.
shes told me that some day she will have had enough and wont be able to do it anymore.
has that day come?
im scared.
we talked briefly the other night for the first time in a while.
shes been sick and her phone has been messed up, which explains why she hasnt replied to any of my text msgs or answered any of my calls.
that was somethign taht was bothering me. that i felt like she was ignoring me.
once i found out she was sick, i felt better about it and got over it.
so we talked for a short bit, she said something about what woudl i do if ididnt have her, or something to taht effect. and in a joking manner i said i wouldnt be able to go on. and she said.
oh god, dont do that to me micheal, dont be that way.
i reassured her that in fact i was joking, and that if we ever werent together anymore, i would be crushed, but i wouldnt do something dumb.
she assured me that shed never leave me.
we talked for a while longer and told her id call her when she got off work on sunday (today).
i called
she didnt answer.
i didnt leave a message
i called back later,
she didnt answer
i didnt leave a message.
that may seem weird, but she told me her phone is jacked up so she cant get her messages, so i didnt leave them.
i know shes been screening her calls cuz she was sick and her voice was gone.
and maybe she jsut couldnt answer.
but my mind sucks
and automatically goes to worst case scenario.
its somethign that has caused strain on our relationship before.
but im working on it, and as soon as my insurance kicks in from the new job, im going to get back to seeing a shrink.

i know im lame and i jsut wish i could turn my brain off sometimes, cuz it causes more trouble than its worth in situations like this.
my mom is the same way, i get it from her.

im just venting.
all of this will be ok soon
i hope
thank you
i love you all

-m