i can feel the depression creeping back in. it's an icky feeling. the crying has started again too.
i know it's fueled by this sadness, and my horrible sleep patterns. i stay up to late, and then don't get up in time to feel productive. so i just don't do anything. and in turn, not doing anything make me feel like crap. it's a vicious cycle and old habits die hard.
it's so much like when blair died... but totally different too. her death sent me into a spiral of confusion, and deep depression. thats part seems to be repeating it's self unfortunately... the part thats different is that blairs death was an accident. justin killed himself. thats what makes it harder. and then there are those questions that i ask myself that are totally unnecessary and i know it, but i can't help it. questions, like.. what if i'd reached out more, or made more of an effort. i know it's silly, because being someone who has dealt with depression i know it's a very selfish disease, and i have a feeling he wouldn't have let me in anyhow. he had plenty of other friends, so it's something that i'm putting myself through fully knowing the frivolity of it.
i've decided that i'm giving myself till monday to get rid of this funk. i can't let myself get sucked back in because i've worked so hard to get out. and i have this feeling that justin wouldn't wish such depression on anyone else. so, tonight i'm going to go to bed by 2am. and get up by or before 10am tomorrow. and i know thats so simple but it's going to help. it's got to.
something else thats getting to me is this anxiety i have about the funeral. it's this saturday.. and i'm going to have to go alone. i haven't seen anyone from high school pretty much since high school. i'm twice the size i was then. it's just going to suck, cause funerals suck, and i'll be there alone, and i have this newly found social anxiety. so wtf. it just keeps snow balling.
there is some good news: i started cleaning my room. i know that going to help me feel more productive and like i'm moving toward something. so, there's that. it's small but i think it counts.
ps- sorry this is such a self serving blog... but i think thats what blog are for, right?
i know it's fueled by this sadness, and my horrible sleep patterns. i stay up to late, and then don't get up in time to feel productive. so i just don't do anything. and in turn, not doing anything make me feel like crap. it's a vicious cycle and old habits die hard.
it's so much like when blair died... but totally different too. her death sent me into a spiral of confusion, and deep depression. thats part seems to be repeating it's self unfortunately... the part thats different is that blairs death was an accident. justin killed himself. thats what makes it harder. and then there are those questions that i ask myself that are totally unnecessary and i know it, but i can't help it. questions, like.. what if i'd reached out more, or made more of an effort. i know it's silly, because being someone who has dealt with depression i know it's a very selfish disease, and i have a feeling he wouldn't have let me in anyhow. he had plenty of other friends, so it's something that i'm putting myself through fully knowing the frivolity of it.
i've decided that i'm giving myself till monday to get rid of this funk. i can't let myself get sucked back in because i've worked so hard to get out. and i have this feeling that justin wouldn't wish such depression on anyone else. so, tonight i'm going to go to bed by 2am. and get up by or before 10am tomorrow. and i know thats so simple but it's going to help. it's got to.
something else thats getting to me is this anxiety i have about the funeral. it's this saturday.. and i'm going to have to go alone. i haven't seen anyone from high school pretty much since high school. i'm twice the size i was then. it's just going to suck, cause funerals suck, and i'll be there alone, and i have this newly found social anxiety. so wtf. it just keeps snow balling.
there is some good news: i started cleaning my room. i know that going to help me feel more productive and like i'm moving toward something. so, there's that. it's small but i think it counts.
ps- sorry this is such a self serving blog... but i think thats what blog are for, right?
VIEW 14 of 14 COMMENTS
punknitemike:
just wanted to drop by and say hi and i hope you are holding up okay, hit me up if ya need to chat or something! and yes, dont let yourself get back into this funk as thats the last thing you need in your life right now! just keep on doing your thing, baby steps! and nothing wrong with going alone, shows you're independent!
misshavok:
Sorry things are so shitty on your end. I know we don't know each other THAT well but I can tell you are good people. If you ever want to talk or shoot the shit I am around.