so... i think Nana's set upset me more that i originally though.. i was pissed at first. and now i'm upset. i think it's brought up a lot of issues for me that i tried to suppress... issues that i've been thinking about lately anyhow. some of you know this about me already, some don't. here it goes.
part of the reason the set was so upsetting for me is because i was molested as a child. i was sexually abused by my adopted brother. i was very young... he only lived with us until i was seven but i can reasonably deduce that the abuse was going on the whole time he lived with us. i don't remember a lot because i was so young, but i've also repressed a lot of the memories. so what i do have is a blur, but a disturbing one. obviously this explains a lot of my guy and sex issues.
he wasn't only sexually abusive towards me but also physically. he pushed me down stairs, and hit me in the face with a baseball bat, just to name a few. he was also abusive toward my mother. i distinctly remember once at the age of 5 when i had to call my dad out of a meeting to come home because my brother had my mom at knife point and was threatening to kill her. he was 12 at the time.
when we moved, it jostled something in me. i started to remember things, have dreams, and generally become really upset and depressed. i haven't seen him in 10 years, since i started recalling the memories.
so this brings me to the next point... i've had therapist in the past, but never discussed this issue. i've thought for a long time that maybe if i ignore it it'll go away. but it's been 20 years, and it's still here. so i've been thinking about getting a therapist, not just for that reason, but just in general anyhow. i'm scared though. i don't know how to even broach the topic. i've been ignoring it for so long that i have no idea how to even begin to deal with it.
so... those of you who have therapists... tell me what to do, lol. i'm also ridiculously freaked out because i'm afraid this will undo all the progress i've made with my depression through the acupuncture. and thats something i'm really proud of. i don't want that to go away. i guess i'm just torn because i want to be whole, and well adjusted but i'm afraid of what it will take to get there. i'm not sure if i want to remember. but i'm also not sure i can heal unless i know exactly what happened.
and btw, this is something i was thinking about long before that disgusting set went up. i want that to be clear about that because i don't want her to get any undue credit for this. i'm been meaning to write this blog for a long time too... but there is alway that fear that people will look at you differently.
part of the reason the set was so upsetting for me is because i was molested as a child. i was sexually abused by my adopted brother. i was very young... he only lived with us until i was seven but i can reasonably deduce that the abuse was going on the whole time he lived with us. i don't remember a lot because i was so young, but i've also repressed a lot of the memories. so what i do have is a blur, but a disturbing one. obviously this explains a lot of my guy and sex issues.
he wasn't only sexually abusive towards me but also physically. he pushed me down stairs, and hit me in the face with a baseball bat, just to name a few. he was also abusive toward my mother. i distinctly remember once at the age of 5 when i had to call my dad out of a meeting to come home because my brother had my mom at knife point and was threatening to kill her. he was 12 at the time.
when we moved, it jostled something in me. i started to remember things, have dreams, and generally become really upset and depressed. i haven't seen him in 10 years, since i started recalling the memories.
so this brings me to the next point... i've had therapist in the past, but never discussed this issue. i've thought for a long time that maybe if i ignore it it'll go away. but it's been 20 years, and it's still here. so i've been thinking about getting a therapist, not just for that reason, but just in general anyhow. i'm scared though. i don't know how to even broach the topic. i've been ignoring it for so long that i have no idea how to even begin to deal with it.
so... those of you who have therapists... tell me what to do, lol. i'm also ridiculously freaked out because i'm afraid this will undo all the progress i've made with my depression through the acupuncture. and thats something i'm really proud of. i don't want that to go away. i guess i'm just torn because i want to be whole, and well adjusted but i'm afraid of what it will take to get there. i'm not sure if i want to remember. but i'm also not sure i can heal unless i know exactly what happened.
and btw, this is something i was thinking about long before that disgusting set went up. i want that to be clear about that because i don't want her to get any undue credit for this. i'm been meaning to write this blog for a long time too... but there is alway that fear that people will look at you differently.
VIEW 24 of 24 COMMENTS
badluckbrent:
It isn't a beard it is a sweet goatee. I figured you were out or doing something. Or I was bothering you during your TV show.
deflicted:
like physically and emotionally numb i just didnot say or do anything for like 2 hours not even sleep and that is un heard of for me so i fucking hate stupidity and stupid bitches so i am assuming she got some time of punishment or for me i am good enough with her quitting .....or whatever