timber_

damnit.

i'm depressed today. i was ok yesterday, cause i went to acupuncture and hung out with my girls. but i was depressed the day before. i just woke up feeling like that... and i hate it. it pisses me off more than anything. it feels like a step backward. i just want to be better... i HATE feeling like this. i have no idea how i did it for so long, and i really don't want to go back.

and yesterday the boy i like that i'm now trying NOT to like told me something... he was talking about a girl and how they might hook up soon. which he totally has the right to do, and i want to not care about. but i cried. and the crying totally caught me off guard. i guess i was more upset about it that i thought. i think maybe it's just because i'm so insecure. idk... i just want to be over him and not upset about it, so i can move on, and maybe find someone who's actually interested in being with me.

i just HATE feeling like this. grrrr....

in good news though, Avidity is coming here in a little over a week! yes, go ahead, be jealous. i'm picking her up from the airport and will get to hang out with her, and my dayton people all weekend. i'm really looking forward to it. especially the roller derby bout we're going to! it's the naptown rollergirls [the team here] VS. the gem city rollergirls [the team there]. i love derby, and i'm soooo going to try out next year. i didn't get to this year cause i was in baltimore during the tryouts. but next year.... YES!

here's some pics from yesterday when i felt ok... sigh.

gosh, i just what to love myself and love my life... WHY is that so hard!? stupid brain chemicals.

ps- sorry i haven't been commenting on blogs lately... i just haven't been up to it.

EDIT:
fucking hell... i was going to have a raunchy tryst this evening. i was really looking forward to some dirty sex to make me feel better, and he just canceled on me. damnit all to hell.