So...um, im terrible at being alone...apparently. I've gotten back into the bottle since the holidays. Probably not as much as a true drunk, but bad enough that its making things complicated. Im spending more than I have on going out and getting tanked. A few days ago I downed a 5th of maker's after a night of drinking at the bar. Granted, I ran 6 miles the next morning, but thats a crap justification. Simply put I need to get shit under control.
Jan 1st sort of ruined me. I met a girl...well I didnt meet her that day, but we ended up together that night after she broke up with her man. Flames hadn't even gone out on that relationship before I was there....and I took her home. Honestly, I felt alive. It was a great night. Karma being what it is she promptly went back to her ex the next day and I havent heard from her since. For 24hrs I was foolish enough to think that I had found something. I was in need of something to keep me afloat. Common sense should have told me it wasnt her. Even she said she was "just a piece of ass." I guess I had hoped that was just talk and she felt something too. Its not her fault, I let myself be fooled.....I wanted to be fooled.
Its still fall out from my marriage I guess. Its been years now and I still have the horrible hole that I just cannot fill. No matter how far I run or how many push-ups I do. No matter how high my PT score is or what school I am going to next I can't fill that fucking hole. There was time that silence and the privacy of living alone was a great thing. Now it just mocks me. Regardless, I need to stop drinking. I cant afford to drink like this...especially not now.
Going to selection has been like being under the gun. I have to perform, I have to do well. Not just for me,but for my kids. Its just that when I thought I had found someone...even if they werent ideal... that thought I was more than just a means to an end, I felt hopeful. Like I might not have to do all of this alone. Hey, it was only 24hrs, but I guess im a sucker that way. The bitch cracked my shell, what can I say?
When reality set in I crawled into the bottle. I havent stopped running or training, but I also havent stopped drinking. I told myself I would stay at the house. Then the solitude got to me and...well now im drunk, again. Tomorrow I will get up and run it off....agian.
I have to wonder how long it will take for me to shake the sins of the past. How long will I have to wait. I wish I didnt need anyone at all. I wish I was as hard as some people think. When it comes to work and most other things I am. Yet, im still looking for the bonnie to my clyde.
I know im a good man. Im honest, hard working, loyal. Yet, im having a hard time finding that connection. And I know the whole thing is stupid. Of all the issues to have this should be the one I should be able to deal with. Especially doing what i'm trying to do. What woman really wants to deal with a man who is going to be gone all the time and who may not come back? They would have to be both fully open and completely fearless....which, apparently, dosent happen.
Its -15 degrees tomorrow i heard. Better sleep im doing 6 miles.
Jan 1st sort of ruined me. I met a girl...well I didnt meet her that day, but we ended up together that night after she broke up with her man. Flames hadn't even gone out on that relationship before I was there....and I took her home. Honestly, I felt alive. It was a great night. Karma being what it is she promptly went back to her ex the next day and I havent heard from her since. For 24hrs I was foolish enough to think that I had found something. I was in need of something to keep me afloat. Common sense should have told me it wasnt her. Even she said she was "just a piece of ass." I guess I had hoped that was just talk and she felt something too. Its not her fault, I let myself be fooled.....I wanted to be fooled.
Its still fall out from my marriage I guess. Its been years now and I still have the horrible hole that I just cannot fill. No matter how far I run or how many push-ups I do. No matter how high my PT score is or what school I am going to next I can't fill that fucking hole. There was time that silence and the privacy of living alone was a great thing. Now it just mocks me. Regardless, I need to stop drinking. I cant afford to drink like this...especially not now.
Going to selection has been like being under the gun. I have to perform, I have to do well. Not just for me,but for my kids. Its just that when I thought I had found someone...even if they werent ideal... that thought I was more than just a means to an end, I felt hopeful. Like I might not have to do all of this alone. Hey, it was only 24hrs, but I guess im a sucker that way. The bitch cracked my shell, what can I say?
When reality set in I crawled into the bottle. I havent stopped running or training, but I also havent stopped drinking. I told myself I would stay at the house. Then the solitude got to me and...well now im drunk, again. Tomorrow I will get up and run it off....agian.
I have to wonder how long it will take for me to shake the sins of the past. How long will I have to wait. I wish I didnt need anyone at all. I wish I was as hard as some people think. When it comes to work and most other things I am. Yet, im still looking for the bonnie to my clyde.
I know im a good man. Im honest, hard working, loyal. Yet, im having a hard time finding that connection. And I know the whole thing is stupid. Of all the issues to have this should be the one I should be able to deal with. Especially doing what i'm trying to do. What woman really wants to deal with a man who is going to be gone all the time and who may not come back? They would have to be both fully open and completely fearless....which, apparently, dosent happen.
Its -15 degrees tomorrow i heard. Better sleep im doing 6 miles.