I took the time to look back at my previous blogs and couldnt help but notice the clear decline of my mental integrity that ran parallel with the decline of my marriage. I have documented a great deal here...its had become a public diary. In a way, it would be meaningless to discontinue the process regardless of the fact that I no longer remember why I chose to put everything here.
I've bitched, moaned, complained, rationalized and even tried to focus on other people problems in order to escape my own. I have tried drinking, but to no avail. I have tried counseling and medication, but it has had a limited, at best, effect over all. Though I have no intention of stopping my therapy. I have to conclude that I have been in denial of the fact that I love and miss her regardless of what has happened. Or perhaps I am pained by that fact. I cannot get over the fact that I cannot fix it. When im alone for too long or I see other people in thier happiness I...reflect on the wreckage of the last few years.
I have deeply internalized the failure of this relationship to a degree that has grown to effect everything I do and every encounter I have with others. I am so uncomfortable and afraid of rejection that I do some of the most pathetic and unusual things in order to just get through social interaction. I rationalize it as being goofy, but its much more than that. I think people can tell its much more than that.
The good news is I have made significant progress away from being angry...which is also the bad news. Without that hard shell of anger to buffer me from the rest of the world I feel horribly exposed....and weak. I have managed to go out with the guys a few times but the night always ends in the same disappointment of knowing I'm just not ready. Not to mention the fact that....that person that could breathe a little life into my world may not actually exist.
I just want to move on and I really just dont know how. Clearly, time is a factor. I havent adjusted from being back in america yet...I havent even seen my sons yet. I guess...looking back on what I have written so far, I also fear that I have accumulated far too much baggage to ever be functional in a relationship. What kind of woman would want to get involved with a divorced war-vet with 2 kids and depression. It just sounds like a mess.
What it comes down to is I have to find a way out of all of this alone. Which is doable, but really fucking hard to be honest....and a bit depressing. Im getting older, im alone, I have a pile of crap going on and im not sure where to start. Yet, I cant expect someone to show up and say "I understand and it will be ok", though that would be really nice. Not that my friends....the few I have...arent supportive, but I think they give me a bit too much credit. Just because I know how to maintain my composure doesnt mean im not overwhelmed...that im not afraid of failing and ending up one of the guys you walk past on the way to work and wonder how does one end up on the street with nothing. Perhaps an extreme notion, but im not that far off. Just a few wrong turns of fate and I become that guy.
I guess I really need to find something to focus on. I hold on for my kids, but I need something for me. I need to find a fire that moves me. Anything will do. There was a time that I could do anything and I feared no one. I never thought about what I would do if I lost that confidence. Not having that spark...that support, that someone that I actually thought got it is really really shitty. I never saw myself as dependant on others but I could really use someone that could take the time to motivate me.
But this is venting, not a request. Im not so pathetic as to beg. And if it were a request than I would direct it at the universe at large....to send me the hand I need....whatever will see me through...regardless of what it is....cause im getting tired of fighting.
I've bitched, moaned, complained, rationalized and even tried to focus on other people problems in order to escape my own. I have tried drinking, but to no avail. I have tried counseling and medication, but it has had a limited, at best, effect over all. Though I have no intention of stopping my therapy. I have to conclude that I have been in denial of the fact that I love and miss her regardless of what has happened. Or perhaps I am pained by that fact. I cannot get over the fact that I cannot fix it. When im alone for too long or I see other people in thier happiness I...reflect on the wreckage of the last few years.
I have deeply internalized the failure of this relationship to a degree that has grown to effect everything I do and every encounter I have with others. I am so uncomfortable and afraid of rejection that I do some of the most pathetic and unusual things in order to just get through social interaction. I rationalize it as being goofy, but its much more than that. I think people can tell its much more than that.
The good news is I have made significant progress away from being angry...which is also the bad news. Without that hard shell of anger to buffer me from the rest of the world I feel horribly exposed....and weak. I have managed to go out with the guys a few times but the night always ends in the same disappointment of knowing I'm just not ready. Not to mention the fact that....that person that could breathe a little life into my world may not actually exist.
I just want to move on and I really just dont know how. Clearly, time is a factor. I havent adjusted from being back in america yet...I havent even seen my sons yet. I guess...looking back on what I have written so far, I also fear that I have accumulated far too much baggage to ever be functional in a relationship. What kind of woman would want to get involved with a divorced war-vet with 2 kids and depression. It just sounds like a mess.
What it comes down to is I have to find a way out of all of this alone. Which is doable, but really fucking hard to be honest....and a bit depressing. Im getting older, im alone, I have a pile of crap going on and im not sure where to start. Yet, I cant expect someone to show up and say "I understand and it will be ok", though that would be really nice. Not that my friends....the few I have...arent supportive, but I think they give me a bit too much credit. Just because I know how to maintain my composure doesnt mean im not overwhelmed...that im not afraid of failing and ending up one of the guys you walk past on the way to work and wonder how does one end up on the street with nothing. Perhaps an extreme notion, but im not that far off. Just a few wrong turns of fate and I become that guy.
I guess I really need to find something to focus on. I hold on for my kids, but I need something for me. I need to find a fire that moves me. Anything will do. There was a time that I could do anything and I feared no one. I never thought about what I would do if I lost that confidence. Not having that spark...that support, that someone that I actually thought got it is really really shitty. I never saw myself as dependant on others but I could really use someone that could take the time to motivate me.
But this is venting, not a request. Im not so pathetic as to beg. And if it were a request than I would direct it at the universe at large....to send me the hand I need....whatever will see me through...regardless of what it is....cause im getting tired of fighting.
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I know exactly where you are coming from there, as well as using a false shell of humor or seeming flippant to detract from the obvious buried layer of emotion underneath. It is one of the few things that I wear unerringly in order not to feel like I am a dog laying on its back waiting for some random semblence of approval from the masses. One day at a time is the way I walk now, and it seems to be serving me well. I hope the same can work for you.