thyestean23

So really what am I suppose to say? I wear my anger on my sleeve, along with my heart, my soul, my hopes, my dreams. In doing this am I cheesey? If I have emotions then im up to something, if I do not than I am an being manly...or whatever it is referred to now.

Being male sucks. We are expected to lead, we are expected to fight, we are expected to provide, we are expected to be examples. We are not expected to change, we are not expected to evolve. I get the impression that we are not expected to be complicated. It seems to me that being male is a condition, whereas being female is a state. We are expected to not have emotions or make emotional mistakes. If we do we are, by no means, given the same mercy as a woman. You see, women are emotional creatures and men are not. Which is the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard. The truth is men and emotion simply dont exist in our culture. Women have the option of crying, of "losing it", of releasing thier emotions. We, or rather I, do not. We all do really, really stupid things in life. Things we cannot take back. Our emotions, pride especially, blind us to what is best in the moment. Men are nailed to the wall when it happens to them, when humanity happens.

So its little wonder that we drink, use drugs, seek thrills in any form we can. All we are doing is trying to stay within the lines. When you cant release you self medicate. There are certain things we cant admit...being men and all.

I dont fear you people honestly. Nothing I say here will change the fact that I can kill you all at will. Im lonely. I miss my wife, I miss my kids, I wish I knew how to have close friends, I wish I could be myself without being afraid of what people would say. I wish I hadn't hurt her most of all. I dont even remember what happened, but i know that holding her would fill something in my world. I feel dark and empty without her. its a pain I have been suffering for years without knowing how to express. I was so close to being happy....I was so close.

Now I find myself in this spot. On my way to war. I cant see anything past that. I drink because I'm afraid. Tell me what man is brave enough to admit that. I've lost the one person that I should have died being close too. I may never see my kids again and I dont have a real freind to speak of. The best I can do is come to the internet of all places and hope to God that someone learns something from what I have to say.

I am a total fucking wreck and Im not afraid to admit it. I will do my job better than the next guy because thats what I do. I will continue to provide for those I care about and I probably will continue to be completely misunderstood. But fuck it, whats new.