Thursday Jul 26, 2007

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HATE!!!! Hate is such a strong word. A very powerful and emotional word. I use this word very rarely. Tonight I use this word with much meaning and resentment. I use this word to this world and this life. I HATE this world and I HATE this life. I've done all I can to create GOOD in this world and GOOD in this life, but I get handed the short end of the stick everyday of my life. I wake up in the morning, tell myself and the world it's going to be a good day, but somehow, someway I get shafted. I smile all day. I make stupid jokes and random wise cracks all day. God dammit I do the best I can everyday of my life, but YET I still HATE everything with such a passion. I've never been as passionate in anything I've ever done except for the passion I have in HATING my life. I strive to change. I quit smoking cigarettes. I quit smoking pot. I hardly drink. I have no gf because of bad times with her. I have few friends because of problems with them. I'm starting to realize the HATE in me, might just be because of me. Maybe I HATE me! Maybe I should follow my friends suicidal footsteps, but that path seems weak. It seems like he gave up. Although, I doubt he gave up, I think he just was at his wits end and this is what he realize he needed to be happy. I HATE everything and just hope it doesn't come down to this for me to be happy.
iggy:
I had a boyfriend that used to say kind of the same thing. Especially the short end of the stick part, except he would say shit end of the stick. He said it a lot when I broke up with him. (I don't think he realized at the time that I was leaving him because he used to hit me.)

Thats good that you strive to change, but you should strive to change for you, not anyone else, or to get a girlfriend or what have you. If you were happier smoking pot and drinking maybe you should do that. However, if it was adversely affecting YOU as a person than it was good you stopped.

You know, I think everyone gets handed the 'short end of the stick' at least once everyday. Its whether you choose to dwell on it or not. I know I do, and sometimes I am guilty of wallowing in it like a sow on Sunday, but I know if I continue to wallow I'll get stuck and it'll be harder to get up.

So really, as trite as it is, you have to look at the bright side. Not all the good you do will have a profound impact, but the all the little timid tremors always add up to something.

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