theseadog

"I met my old profile
On the street last night
He seemed so glad to see me
I just smiled
And we talked about some old times
And we drank ourselves some beers
Still nerdy afler all these years
Oh, still nerdy after all these years"

Turin from my Old Profiles thread.

That cracked me up.

So, i was thinking, and it's been a while since I've lied to you. So I decided that, given how boring my life is at the moment, it's about time for a ficticious entry.

I woke up early this morning, Sometime around 5. It took me a while to get out of bed. Not because I was tired, it just seemed to take a while to make it to the edge. Once there, I rolled out of bed, and onto the floor. The fall took much longer than expected. I got to my feet, and gazed upward... towards my bed. Funny, I wasn't this short when I went to sleep. My first thought was that I had shrunk into a smaller version of myself. But that was crazy talk. Nobody just shrinks into smaller versions of themselves. It's physically impossible. No, the answer had to be something much more obvious. Something that made sense. That's when I realized... I had been tuned into a walking, talking human kidney. That explained everything. My new, small stature, my squishiness, and my ability to process toxins with my whole body.

I needed some fresh air to help me ponder the implications of this. So I squished myself under the door, and out to my balconey. Then I sat crosslegged, and had myself a good think. I knew only that the black market was to be avoided at all costs. Beyond that, I was lost. That's when I heard the commotion down below. A women was screaming. Inaudibly at first. But it wasn't long before words formed. "Potatos ate my baby!" She cried. I knew right then that I had been transformed into a kidney for a purpose. Potatos had eaten that poor womans baby, and only a kidney such as myself could stop them. It would be difficult, of course, as I was only one kidney, and we function better in pairs. But I was up for the challenge. It was too late to save that baby, since it had already been devoured, and so I leapt from the balconey, and sprinted in the direction the potatos had gone with the superior speed of a kidney.

Having just arrived from Idaho, these two young potato hoodlums were not familiar with the area. It wasn't long before I had them cornered in an alley. This was the first time I'd gotten a close look at them. They were au grotten. The filthy bastards. One of them fired at me, but with my hightened renal reflexes, I managed to dodge and fire a uric acid blast that knocked the potato gun to the side. I held those rotten potatos at bay until the authorities arrived. I expected to reyurn to a heros welcome, but, alas, it was not to be. My landlord pointed out to me that my lease clearly stipulated that no free roaming kidneys were allowed at the apartment. I was cast out. I went to my friends for help, but they turned me away. I was just a jidney. The Steve they had known was dead to them.

For too long, I roamed the streets. Alone, and unwanted. I was at the edge of despair. Ready to do myself in. I planned to dehydrate myself into renal failure. It was at that moment, when I was at my lowest, that I found Jesus.

He was a migrant worker, from Mexico City. He had a basic grasp of english, and a commanding knowledge of horticulture. His skin was tinged yellow with jaundice. Jesus was in desperate need of a new liver, but he'd gladly settle for a new kidney. And damnit, I'd settle for a home.

Damn. I'm so full of shit. Like I'd evewr wake up at 5 AM. I rarely get to sleep before then.