Hey there everybody, me here. Things are good here in me-land, but been fighting this lingering bit of off-ness the past few weeks. I was going to write on Sunday about the things in my head, half a call for advice, half just a hey what's up, how's everyone doing, but the topic of my post was going to revolve around my Dad, and I saw one of the folks I follow lost their Dad just these last few days and I didn't want to go there. I feel for them, these are some things I need to get out there though, I hope they don't mind if they read this.
I talk a lot about how I adore the ephemeral, that's at odds though. As I'm not sure that I ever let go of anything. Perhaps I don't like endings, so I like movies that don't send you off with a wrapped package, I appreciate a flower because it is only for a time, that sort of thing. But death. I'm not sure I know how to process death. I lost my Dad to cancer 15 years ago. And he had been sick for a while before that, fighting, chemo, and every treatment they had at the time. By the time they found it, it was kinda too late and what started a colon, went everywhere. When he started treatment I took off from college to help him in the business, then finished my last semester traveling to school three days a week so I could work more. I met my future wife during that time, well, re-met her. And I moved to Ohio from Florida to be with her, because it was just too hard not to, couldn't wait. Some part of me feels like I was running away from a fight I couldn't stand to lose. I got the call from my Dad's best friend to come home, that he was really bad, and they weren't sure how much longer he'd have, so I got in the truck and drove straight down. I got to see him, in his hospice bed, in the living room where his recliner used to be. He was a shell of who I knew him as. Couldn't talk, morphine for the pain.
That night my cousin and one of my best friends came over and we played karaoke back in my old room. We were laughing and having as good a time as we could. They said that was the best night's sleep that he had in months, it was also his last. He was 50.
I've don't feel like I've ever processed his death. My mom, she had a breakdown, wasn't able to work for a long time, and when she finally did try to get back, wasn't able to hold it together. Me, I think I pushed it down somewhere. I was 24 and thought that I'd have time with him. I felt selfish, and also didn't know any other way to deal with it. I'd had my life on pause for a while and had a chance to go forward and took it. I'm not sure what else to say about that. If anyone has any advice, I'll take it.
Alright, that was weighing on my heart, and now I feel better for having gotten it out there. You all I trust with my heart, maybe precisely because I don't any of you all that well, and haven't gotten trapped by my tendency to try and minimize my own struggles to you.
Now, fun stuff...
This is my current favorite tool, and she needs a name. So I was wondering if any of the ladies would like the honor? She's thick, powerful, doesn't like when I choke up, enjoys me giving her free reign to do as she likes, but still likes when I give her a guiding hand. She's able to cut through the bullshit, and dig down to the important stuff to help remove those things that are in my way. She leaves me tired, but with a smile on my face. See exhibit A:
Together we have taken out a dozen stumps so far, with about half the row to go. Here are a few of the before pictures from my wife's phone that she took a few weeks ago when it was a little colder and wetter.
And here are a few of the current situation out back.
We're making holes, and we are filling them with transplants from across the yard. Next bit is behind the pond, moving rocks, stumps, and then rebuilding the back wall with a little more fix on the stones so they don't tumble down into the pond again. Need somewhere for the moss to grow and the frogs to hide out.
If you've made it this far, you're awesome, and/or bored. So yeah. =) Hope to talk to ya'll soon.
All the best,
K.
p.s. Totally serious about the tool-naming. If anyone takes me up on it, going to carve or burn it into the haft and take pictures for posterity.
