With someone that I've had some difficulties with in the past. Someone that I've not always been truthful with. But someone that seems to refuses to give up on me.
It's not hard to see though this, but what happened this week was something that I don't think ever happened before. I fell in love with myself, truly and honestly. I feel like I've opened my chest and let in what I'd been protecting myself from for a very long time. And I've been levels more full than I have ever been just in my own company. They have those things where they say to date yourself, I hadn't gotten that, not until now. I'm hearing love songs on the radio and turning them back on themselves, the person who would climb a mountain to be with me, is me. If it weren't for the last two years being as shattering as they turned out to be, this isn't something that I would have embraced. I would have thought it pure narcissism and something to be suppressed. But biologically, I think I'm worn out suppressing my emotions. There is still place for balance, and I had gotten way, way out of balance in a number of ways. In my behavior, trying to run with the wolves, when that wasn't me. In reining in things because I was in the mindset that a thought is a reflection of self and to have any thought that might not be in character is to be in opposition of that. Well, there's all sorts of things that make that difficult. Both with the idea that something is frozen timeless, and that a thought is anything more than a thought. It's not a truth, not everything that crosses my mind is profound and has to be seized upon. This has been a practice that I've been engaged in the last two or three months now, and it's paying dividends already.
For you folks that go to the time to read these last few posts of mine, thank you. As I sit here, feeling this love that I have for myself, it just spills out and I find myself feeling love for you all too. It's far easier than rationing it out to just the few, here it is, and it just is. It's a very different perspective and it won't always be like this. And I won't long for this feeling, but I do want to remember it, just as I'm remembering just how full I can be when I let myself. Not wait for the shoe to drop, not wait for my friends to discover I am a fraud, not build up my shitty walls and keep everyone on the other side. There's room at the table, we'll make room somehow, I will back up and know when there is too much going on, but this feeling I have been experiencing the last few days... I am cultivating it, it's going to find a way to grow in every season, in every way.
So, I'm going to get myself another drink, check to see if my wonderful wife has woken up from her nap, and enjoy the hell out of my day. I'm sore as hell from using a gas engine tiller for the first time, and there's nothing left that *needs* to be done today. I love you all, thank you for being around as I wake up and see that I love myself too.
K.
