thefox

I knew it would hit me, it was only a matter of time. Sadly, it wasn't very much time.

Today, I woke up feeling crappy. And it occurred to me that I've been spending all my time dicking around on teh intarwebs. I opted out of class, today (to be fair, I was having stomach problems), but mostly I just didn't feel like it.

And I know it's completely normal to feel this way - and that it's part of the grieving process... but I'm torn between enjoying my life and feeling like I have no right to grieve and feeling this nagging sadness at the loss of my mother.

I did go to class, yesterday, and somebody told me about a book they're reading that really hit exactly how I feel: because of the strange, somewhat distant relationship I had with Mom, I don't feel like I have a right to be sad about her death. Logically, I know this is bullshit, but emotionally it's hard to shake. I don't have a lot of memories to reflect upon, nor does my daily life change much - but I think that makes it harder. Sound strange? Yeah, I thought so, too. But then when the rare moment *does* pop up when I consider telling or asking my mother something, and can't, it's horrible. It's like I forget, and then get hit in the face with a reminder, instead of the more typical steady stream of sadness. I am up and down like a rollercoaster - which is confusing and leads me to believe I'm okay when I'm clearly not.

Everyone takes the people they love for granted. It's become a clich, even - but when you've spent most of your life avoiding somebody you love, it throws you when they're not there. I had good reason to avoid my mother, at first... and I don't regret it. I would do it, again. However, she wasn't all bad - and had gotten infinitely better since she stopped drinking about a year ago. And I knew that, and was enjoying her not being crazy all the time. And, now... she's gone. I barely knew her.

And it's strange because it changes nothing and everything all at the same time.

I cried harder over putting her (my childhood) dog to sleep than I did over her death, but the pain over losing her is so much deeper. And I never thought it would be... I honestly thought I'd be pretty dispassionate, the way I was about her most of the time.

So, yeah... I honestly don't know how I'm doing. It's the zebra debate - am I sad with happy stripes or happy with sad stripes? All I know is some days I'm up and feeling good and ready to go and be productive, like yesterday... and others, like today, I just want to sleep all day and eat cookies.

And I think that's okay. Everyone is telling me that's okay.

I just wish I could believe it.