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thefox

Hope Mills, NC

Member Since 2006

Followers 86 Following 58

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Tuesday Sep 11, 2007

Sep 11, 2007
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I knew it would hit me, it was only a matter of time. Sadly, it wasn't very much time.

Today, I woke up feeling crappy. And it occurred to me that I've been spending all my time dicking around on teh intarwebs. I opted out of class, today (to be fair, I was having stomach problems), but mostly I just didn't feel like it.

And I know it's completely normal to feel this way - and that it's part of the grieving process... but I'm torn between enjoying my life and feeling like I have no right to grieve and feeling this nagging sadness at the loss of my mother.

I did go to class, yesterday, and somebody told me about a book they're reading that really hit exactly how I feel: because of the strange, somewhat distant relationship I had with Mom, I don't feel like I have a right to be sad about her death. Logically, I know this is bullshit, but emotionally it's hard to shake. I don't have a lot of memories to reflect upon, nor does my daily life change much - but I think that makes it harder. Sound strange? Yeah, I thought so, too. But then when the rare moment *does* pop up when I consider telling or asking my mother something, and can't, it's horrible. It's like I forget, and then get hit in the face with a reminder, instead of the more typical steady stream of sadness. I am up and down like a rollercoaster - which is confusing and leads me to believe I'm okay when I'm clearly not.

Everyone takes the people they love for granted. It's become a clich, even - but when you've spent most of your life avoiding somebody you love, it throws you when they're not there. I had good reason to avoid my mother, at first... and I don't regret it. I would do it, again. However, she wasn't all bad - and had gotten infinitely better since she stopped drinking about a year ago. And I knew that, and was enjoying her not being crazy all the time. And, now... she's gone. I barely knew her.

And it's strange because it changes nothing and everything all at the same time.

I cried harder over putting her (my childhood) dog to sleep than I did over her death, but the pain over losing her is so much deeper. And I never thought it would be... I honestly thought I'd be pretty dispassionate, the way I was about her most of the time.

So, yeah... I honestly don't know how I'm doing. It's the zebra debate - am I sad with happy stripes or happy with sad stripes? All I know is some days I'm up and feeling good and ready to go and be productive, like yesterday... and others, like today, I just want to sleep all day and eat cookies.

And I think that's okay. Everyone is telling me that's okay.

I just wish I could believe it.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
vampirate:
Yeah, it's totally okay. That's what cookies are for. And Gin. And humorous anecdotes about fifth grade girls who badly need a health class but aren't mature enough to sit through it.
Sep 13, 2007
schiavona:
Well, you know we are there for you always and for ever. You just call and we'll be there. I'm sorry sweetie.

Love you and see you tomorrow.

kiss kiss
Sep 13, 2007

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