thefox

I have temper problems. Mostly at myself, but I project them outward, seemingly at other people, when I'm really just yelling at myself out loud.

Others do it, too... and it scares me. Because when I was growing up... yelling (at anything/anyone for any reason) meant I was going to get yelled at. Pretty nasty words were thrown in my direction when I was little... probably out of frustration with themselves - my mom and my sisters were and still are yellers. One of my sisters used to hit me when she'd get mad... temper issues were the norm.

So, when somebody yells - at themselves, at the computer, at the tv - and is angry for any reason, I retreat... I get scared... I don't want to be the next victim. I always assume it was my fault.

But, I've discovered, I do it, too.

I shouldn't be surprised, I mean - I grew up with it. That was how you dealt with anger, yelling and hitting and saying mean, nasty things. I hated it, then, and I hate it even worse, now. I never wanted to do that to anyone.

But that's all I know - frustration and anger are dealt with by yelling. Well, that's not entirely true. I know yelling solves nothing. Nothing. Being mean makes things even worse. I know that. But I still do it. Even though I know better.

I'm guessing it's lack of practice. Nobody I've ever been close to has ever known how to talk about problems... it's always yelling and fighting or (worse), ignoring it. I hate that. That was my mom's other tactic. Nothing's wrong. It's all fine. If you pressed her for a discussion, she'd yell at you.

I do that, too.

I don't want to.

Have patience with me... I'm working on it. But, to get anywhere, we're going to have to talk about things. Calmly. Rationally. We can't yell at each other, but we can't ignore it, either.

The worst thing? Every single time it's happened - with anybody - the "problem" has been so insignificant... nothing discussion couldn't fix.