thedarkharlequin

i hate this

i made a statement to someone that made me feel like an utter miscreant.

then something odd happened that left me confused, feeling i was being mocked, and made very fucking angry.

then i start a line of thought that builds into jealousy.

i wasn't jealous when it was someone i didn't know.

how can i be jealous, if i said that i didn't want it.

simple, in my tribe i laid claim first. it's bullshit primal machismo shit.
it's lame, pathetic, and down right vile to view another human being as stamped property.

not to mention that the idea that triggered all this is more than likely a false judgment created in my head.

i hate being jealous. it's a mental flaw on my part. it's a lack of control and a failure of reason.

maybe it's simply that i still don't understand my reasons for previous actions, but fear that it's probably emotional damage left over from ashley. i practically worshiped the ground she walked on, and when she left it destroyed me. i'm looking for that feeing of blind devotion, but she may have broken that part of me. the part i had that let me care so strongly.
now i'm just scared and lonely, and blaming others for my own failure to be accepting, and jealous and spiteful of those that move on.

maybe it's just christmas. merry self loathing, and a happy new chance to fail.