thebeliever

So conflicted. My Turkish ex from five years ago has been back in contact with me, after her divorce, and has made it crystal clear that she'd like me to visit her, with an eye towards re-kindling our romance, leading to a family, etc etc. Five years ago, when we broke up, I'd have jumped at the chance, but now I'm really conflicted; I mean, the break-up was partially my fault: I'd returned home to America for awhile, to figure things out (I was scheduled to come back to my job; and we'd only been dating for about four months); by the time I did, she found someone new and was married within a few months; which was really weird, because she hadn't had a serious boyfriend for several years before she met me. It shook me, and I went into a depression/break-down for a few months, figuring I'd blown my chance at happiness.

Later, after being in another relationship that was better, I wondered if I'd been wrong after all; in a way, it was a test, and she didn't pass it; though the pressure on her was strong (her parents did not want her to possibly marry an American, and leave the country; she probably felt somewhat abandoned, though we'd been planning for her to come out to America during the holidays).

Now, we've been talking and flirting on the internet for a few months, but I'm very hesitant to go back and visit her in Turkey-- at least, not yet-- because I know things could move very quickly when I do; it was my intention to kind of see how things develop over the internet for awhile, because I feel no obligation just yet to put myself in that situation. I still have feelings for my last ex (American), who I've recently come back into regular contact with. I had a deeper, more intense relationship with her; though it's true the Turkish girl and I didn't have quite the same time/opportunity to develop things.

We talked about it today, and she (the Turk) was pissed that I said I wanted to wait, saying that that's what I'd done before. (She said I'm like a turtle, which was pretty funny.) But Turks marry more quickly than Americans. I see her point of view. I know she's lonely, and probably regrets ever breaking up with me; hell, I'm lonely too. But I'm aware of the adage, Marry in haste, repent at leisure. I've see a lot of that around me.

I don't know. This is a tough one. Right now I don't feel motivated to go see her... yet. It's true that I'm solo, and it's very, very difficult at times. I don't want to let chances pass me by, but... this is the real deal, and I'd hate to immerse myself in a life I'd regret.

Man, it'd be a lot easier of she lived in California. Then we could just see how things would go naturally. (I've brought up the idea of her living out here, but she'd need to learn English really well and take many tests; she's a psychologist.) I don't really want to live in Turkey, other than maybe temporarily.

My head hurts. Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated. This is the only place where I'll post this stuff.