I'm so thankful to you, my friends. I'm glad that whenever I post a blog that I have friends on here who despite never meeting can relate, and give me positive reinforcement. It makes me feel really good, especially in my times of need.
Sometimes, it's really awesome to talk to strangers, because they have the best insight. Seeing it from an outside perspective and being able to either slap some sense in to me, or just plain offer hugs, love and compassion.
Thank you all so much.
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Life is good, I'm so glad I'm not wasting it away anymore and doing what I know is right. It feels really good, and soon... I know I'll be myself again.
My friends (from here at home) have been very helpful too... but some things I like to keep private (pretty much everything I've been blogging about lately on here) because my friends are too close and often times I can't relate to them about a lot of the issues I have.
I am seeking myself, I've got this very supportive girl in my life who's been so patient with me, and continues to tell me she will be. I wish I remembered the things her and I did years back when we hung out, and I know that some day if I'm supposed to remember I will...
I've asked her to tell me EVERYTHING, INCLUDING all the bad things I did... and she's started to... She tells me she doesn't want me to feel guilty for anything I did, because she's afraid it'll cause me to leave her if she tells me everything. I can understand, because of what she told me last night... any normal person would have lost their mind, and would have stopped talking to her out of guilt... because I hurt her, bad... in more ways than one. Yet... here she is, still 100% supportive and amazing and HERE for me. It's SO HARD to take things slow, when I already know somewhere deep inside me I love her... I am just trying to figure out why, because I can't remember... but in my heart, and my mind... everything I have in me is telling me I love her.
Last night when we talked, she told me she loved me, and I said "I know. I could see it in your eyes, I could feel it in your kiss, your touch, your energy... everything about it SCREAMED that you loved me." So I told her... I wasn't going to say it other than last night until I'm sure of the why. I told her that I do love her, and I hope that she understands and can be patient with me. Til I find myself completely, and know for sure it isn't just because I need someone or want someone... I want to know that the love I feel is REAL, and TRUE... but it felt so amazing to say it, and get it off my chest... and I know she will wait... I think I finally found someone who truly does understand me, and truly does want to wait and hold out for me. Which again, is the scariest thing I've ever had to deal with... Hell I've been married, and I didn't get this much support as I am from her... there was a time I did, obviously, because I married the girl and had our son... but... this seems so different to me.
I just have to find the why, I just have to find myself, and I need to truly accept my past. The person I was, the person I am, and the person I'm going to become when I put the two together.
I hope the Gods and Goddesses bless me, and give me the strength I need to continue as they have been. Because I want to be able to tell her I love her again, and know that it's because of all she is... I must have patience, I must hold on, and I must heal. If she waits as she says she's going to... Well damn it... I've found what I've been looking for all these years, and I'm going to truly have EVERYTHING I ever asked for in life.
May it be so... if it is meant to be, so it shall be. Patience, Ryan... Patience.
Today...
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Here's a picture from a little while ago today, it's my time with my son on the weekends... and I'm so happy he's here...
He lights my world each and every day, and when he's old enough... I can't wait to tell him how much he means to me, moreso than I already have... this child is the reason I live, he is my number one and always will be. I would not be here on this Earth if I had not had him in my life. I can't wait to tell him that he's my savior, by candle that burns eternally... My world. I love you Damien... so much, and I can't wait til you're old enough to understand what it truly means to me to have you in my life... and I hope that you'll love me just the same now and forever.
