the_sween

Feeling really sad and alone today. I hope I can find some company... It's really hard to fill up all my time since i quit drinking... I'm trying really hard just to stay busy. Perhaps tonight I'll drive to my school and do my assignments tonight instead of tomorrow if I can't find something to do... probably a better idea anyhow... Last thing I need...
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MLFYIE - By Ryan McSweeney (aka me)
There was a time when things were in line.
Those moments are forever frozen in time, to take them away would be a crime.
Seeking once more to dance with the moon, finding myself so very far from making you swoon.
Chaos reigns now, and I'm off to take a bow.
For no longer does the truth set...
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Broke down today... Realized despite the last couple years of "maintaining control" of my drinking... I don't have it...

It's time for a change... again... I'm praying this time, I don't slip back into it. I sobered up for 5 months two years ago on my own, without meetings, without any real help other than a 12 day stint in a hospital...

This time, I've...
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About ready to jump. Don't want to be a part of this anymore...

I just read through my current journal, front to... well I can't call it back,because it isn't, yet.

The fucked up part is, a lot of it is still current feelings.... so what has changed...?!?! Anything???? Have I really made any positive changes like I thought I did...?!

I'm so lost...

Things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to on V-day, but things were really nice for a while by the end of the night/early morning on the 15th, followed by things going sour (Nothing under my control of course).

I had a lot to say about it... but something just came over me and I don't feel like saying anything anymore... in fact,...
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Apparently it's turned into ignore Ryan day. ... It really sucks to talk to a beautiful girl at the beginning of the day for the first time, make friends, make plans and get so excited for it.... just to have everyone who was supposed to go ignore me and not have it happen...

Yeah... another win for Valentine's day.... Awesome.

It really hurts to think that if my marriage were on good terms, I'd be married five years in a couple weeks... but where it stands, I just want the divorce to happen already... she needs to let me go. I need to let go... The end, I hope, is near.

I feel like things are spinning so incredibly fast, I don't have time to catch up with myself.

One of these days, I'll get there. Just got to keep on pushing.. one of these days I'll meet the one.

This is kinda my story - I've said it a million times... and it actually aggravates me I didn't ever write it down and try to explain to people... but I was scared.

http://www.esquire.com/features/essay/ESQ0307ESSAY

So... it's a good read. It's been a fucked up night for me.... VERY... :/ I don't even want to get into it.