All in all, a day that I needed...
I'm exhausted. Fundamentally exhausted. My father's illness presses forward as I watch him descend into a depression... my mother fights as hard as she can to help a man she stopped loving a long time ago... my younger brother does what he can, considering his own emotional and developmental difficulties... so it goes without saying that I am tired all the time. Helping my family as best I can while trying to support myself on government loans, odd jobs and no significant income. So, yeah... I'm tired all the time.
And that's ok.
Last night I was out until all hours, support my father through a panic attack while my mother watched, helpless and confused and uncertain. God bless her for staying through everything that's been thrown at her. I don't pretend that my life was brutal all the time; it's been hard but no harder than anyone else's, I know. I've had my health, through it all. Well, for the most part. Anyway, back to dad. He had his first major panic attack last night and it wasn't good. Staying up until 3apm with him. Trying to sooth him through it while marshalling my strength so that my tears didn't come out in front of him. He needs a strong shoulder, right? And that's me--the boy of bountless strength.
But hey, I get tired sometimes.
But even Green Lantern needs to recharge... even Superman (pure wanker that he is) still needs to bathe in the sun once in a while... even Batman needs to lie down and let Alfred patch him up (we're going for a DC Comics theme)...
So I let myself love myself...
No, not like that. I wasn't in the mood at that moment. When I woke up, I just wanted to lay there for a while... just lay in bed and hide... but I didn't. I got up and did the usual routine. Turned on the computer. Went to pee. Got some water. Logged into msn and hotmail. Said a pleasant goodmorning to everyone.
And promptly collapsed.
I got up pretty much right away and at first I was a little confused and a little afraid. But then I thought about what I'd been putting myself through. Disappointing almost-relationships. Family crisis. No job. Turning 30. Up at all hours for school and family. NO. SLEEP. So, I walked back into the bathroom and gave myself a good look. I turned off the filters that keep me from seeing myself as I am--the barriers that let me keep going without cease. I looked into my own eyes and saw the exhaustion and fatigue and depression and desperation and I smiled at myself.
Then I cried.
Not for long, mind you... just enough. Just what I needed to remind myself that I'm human and I can't forget to take care of myself even as I take care of the whole world. So I cried... looked at myself and smiled again and went to bed for another hour. Not a lot of time... not nearly enough. But that time was mine.
And that time was good.
I'm exhausted. Fundamentally exhausted. My father's illness presses forward as I watch him descend into a depression... my mother fights as hard as she can to help a man she stopped loving a long time ago... my younger brother does what he can, considering his own emotional and developmental difficulties... so it goes without saying that I am tired all the time. Helping my family as best I can while trying to support myself on government loans, odd jobs and no significant income. So, yeah... I'm tired all the time.
And that's ok.
Last night I was out until all hours, support my father through a panic attack while my mother watched, helpless and confused and uncertain. God bless her for staying through everything that's been thrown at her. I don't pretend that my life was brutal all the time; it's been hard but no harder than anyone else's, I know. I've had my health, through it all. Well, for the most part. Anyway, back to dad. He had his first major panic attack last night and it wasn't good. Staying up until 3apm with him. Trying to sooth him through it while marshalling my strength so that my tears didn't come out in front of him. He needs a strong shoulder, right? And that's me--the boy of bountless strength.
But hey, I get tired sometimes.
But even Green Lantern needs to recharge... even Superman (pure wanker that he is) still needs to bathe in the sun once in a while... even Batman needs to lie down and let Alfred patch him up (we're going for a DC Comics theme)...
So I let myself love myself...
No, not like that. I wasn't in the mood at that moment. When I woke up, I just wanted to lay there for a while... just lay in bed and hide... but I didn't. I got up and did the usual routine. Turned on the computer. Went to pee. Got some water. Logged into msn and hotmail. Said a pleasant goodmorning to everyone.
And promptly collapsed.
I got up pretty much right away and at first I was a little confused and a little afraid. But then I thought about what I'd been putting myself through. Disappointing almost-relationships. Family crisis. No job. Turning 30. Up at all hours for school and family. NO. SLEEP. So, I walked back into the bathroom and gave myself a good look. I turned off the filters that keep me from seeing myself as I am--the barriers that let me keep going without cease. I looked into my own eyes and saw the exhaustion and fatigue and depression and desperation and I smiled at myself.
Then I cried.
Not for long, mind you... just enough. Just what I needed to remind myself that I'm human and I can't forget to take care of myself even as I take care of the whole world. So I cried... looked at myself and smiled again and went to bed for another hour. Not a lot of time... not nearly enough. But that time was mine.
And that time was good.