Saturday May 15, 2004

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I'm tired of people toying with my heart.

It's getting to the point where I don't think I can feel anything anymore.

Numb...Frozen...Cold.

My tears freeze before they hit the table, and shatter into broken shards when they collide with the wood.

The only emotion that I know anymore is sadness.

What makes me the saddest is that I'm afraid to love. I've been hurt so many times by people who told me the last thing they ever wanted to do was hurt me, when in fact all they were ever doing was looking out for themselves.

I can remember when I told my dad that no one should be afraid of loving. That it was silly that people should be closed off when there was something so wonderful that was waiting to warm their hearts.

I was naive and fucking stupid.

I find it so hard to accept the fact that I am so easily replaced. But I have to, because I am.

Everyone I love goes away. They leave me, abandon me...I'm tired of being left, I'm tired of being abandoned.

What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to go through this?

I just want to love someone, and be loved in return. I hate myself for being so weak. For being such a whiner, a bitchy little whiner.

Forget it. I give up. No more trying.

I have no purpose, no meaning to try anymore. I don't even recognize that person staring back at me in the mirror anymore.

I'm sure that everyone goes through this stage in their life, where they're unsure of themselves, they don't recognize who they are, or see their potential.

But right now, all I see is nothingness. I'm being swallowed up by a black sea of depression, and I'm struggling to stay afloat.

Would someone mind tossing me a lifeline?
solanubis:
Your point is valid and...honestly the truth for most ppl. I truely can say I envy your state of being because personaly, besides family, I have never had someone to love in the first place. For a time, it was a total outrage; then came sorrow; now, it's total and complete emptyness. A vast abyss of nothingness where feeling is just a myth. Don't become what I have become....there's always a purpose for what happens...i asure you...it always reveals itself when you least expect it to. And when it is present, you may not even know it 'cause of the veil of hurt, betrayal, and dispare obscures it. I know from my personal travels that, yes for the time being, it royaly sucks and it seems there's no end to the madness but you shouldn't let the law of Karma get to you. Remember, there's ALWAYS someone who has had it worse. Hell, that's why there's friends that care and, if not present at that current moment, you can still count on them for a shoulder to lean and/or cry on. Like I said, everything will work out for the best in the end. You'll be a stronger person physicaly and cognatively. You don't have to take my word for it...you'll see for youself... wink Take care 'til next time...

[Edited on May 16, 2004 12:45PM]

[Edited on May 16, 2004 12:48PM]

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