The 20 Nerd Commandments
As presented from Topless Robot, hear and obey!
1) Thou must experience as many nerdy properties as possible throughout your youth (nerdy parents must assist with this). By the age of 20, you must have chosen at least two sides of the following: Star Wars or Star Trek, Kirk or Picard, Marvel or DC, Mac or PC, Trukk or Munkey, Baker or Tennant, and Joel or Mike. If these topics come up, you must argue your choice past all reasonableness.
2) Thou must always recognize your first exposure to a nerdy property was the best possible incarnation of that property. Likewise, thou must always find new incarnations, sequels, spin-offs, rip-offs, and media inspired these properties to be crappier than your prized original.
3) Thou must revere the Nerd Girl, because she is as rare as the diamond and just as valuable. Thou shouldst not stark her just because she's the only girl in your nerd circle, and if/when she turns down your advances, you will not spurn her because that's just shitty. And Nerd Girls, thou must be careful, for thy power is great -- and can be used for both good and ill.
4) Thou must try to convince your significant other to name the child after a character of nerdy importance. If thou are cut from the cloth of the nerd tribe and have managed to breed, , and bringeth into the world the Lando's, the Anakin's, the Kal-Els.
5) All nerds must be able to sketch, from memory, the basic outlines of the Millennium Falcon, USS Enterprise (NCC-1701), and the TARDIS.
6) Thou shalt not question who shot first.
7) Thou shalt acknowledge that Batman beats everyone, ever, anywhere at fighting. That's right, he beats everybody. Even Optimus Prime. Even Darth Vader. Even Chuck Norris. He'd find a way. He's the goddamn Batman.
8) Thou shalt be prepared to survive the zombie apocalypse, and teach thy children similarly.
9) Thou shalt not forget to honor and give thanks to the Dice Gods for your triumphs and victories.
10) If two nerds ever find themselves holding cylindrical objects of at least 9 inches in length they must immediately make lightsaber ignition noises and face each other down in mortal combat.
11) Shouldst thou hear a man proclaim, "Now you know," for whatever reason, then thou must reply in your most triumphant voice, "And knowing is half the battle!" Let he who should offend against this law be cast out from the company of his worthier fellows and be made subject to aspersions made 'gainst his improper rearing and the cuckolding whore that did sire him and perform the rearing.
12) When searching for something to watch on television you must watch the geek movie you come across, even if you have said movie in your collection. If anyone asks, "Why don't you just watch the one you own?" stare at them like an idiot and explain, "That is not the point."
13) In order to assure procreation of the nerd species, thou shalt not utter nerdy quotes during sex.
14) Thy first crush must be upon an cartoon character.
15) Thou must not be the nerdiest person in the room, the one nerd that even the other nerds are scared to be around. If your obsession causes you to lose a job, significant other, or cause harm to yourself, GET SOME HELP.
16) Thou must learn how to do to the Vulcan hand gesture, whether thou likes Star Trek or not.
17) Thou shalt be required to attend at least one nerd convention (videogames, anime, comics, etc.) during thy lifetime.
18) There shall be no viewing of fansubs by any self-described otaku/anime fan who can afford to purchase the said material (exceptions: viewing at conventions or titles that have no chance of being released stateside).
19) All nerds, when purchasing something in a store, must never pick up the first item in the front, because the item in front has almost certainly been touched by unclean hands, and thus its condition is less mint, the grade must pleasing to the nerd gods.
20) Thou must obey the Law of the Golden Mean. What is it? Glad you asked:
Any thing that can be purchased, achieved or obtained that consists of a discrete number of individual parts, issues, episodes, or location; such as issues of a comic book, trading cards in a set, or action figures in a line is subject to the Law of the Golden Mean.
Any nerd in possession of more than 61.8% of the individual items in such a series must, if at all possible, either proceed to acquire each of the remaining items so as to complete the set, or sell one or more items on eBay until the nerd again owns less than 61.8% of the total series.
If the items owned make up a complete set of a more specific series, the law is satisfied.
As presented from Topless Robot, hear and obey!
1) Thou must experience as many nerdy properties as possible throughout your youth (nerdy parents must assist with this). By the age of 20, you must have chosen at least two sides of the following: Star Wars or Star Trek, Kirk or Picard, Marvel or DC, Mac or PC, Trukk or Munkey, Baker or Tennant, and Joel or Mike. If these topics come up, you must argue your choice past all reasonableness.
2) Thou must always recognize your first exposure to a nerdy property was the best possible incarnation of that property. Likewise, thou must always find new incarnations, sequels, spin-offs, rip-offs, and media inspired these properties to be crappier than your prized original.
3) Thou must revere the Nerd Girl, because she is as rare as the diamond and just as valuable. Thou shouldst not stark her just because she's the only girl in your nerd circle, and if/when she turns down your advances, you will not spurn her because that's just shitty. And Nerd Girls, thou must be careful, for thy power is great -- and can be used for both good and ill.
4) Thou must try to convince your significant other to name the child after a character of nerdy importance. If thou are cut from the cloth of the nerd tribe and have managed to breed, , and bringeth into the world the Lando's, the Anakin's, the Kal-Els.
5) All nerds must be able to sketch, from memory, the basic outlines of the Millennium Falcon, USS Enterprise (NCC-1701), and the TARDIS.
6) Thou shalt not question who shot first.
7) Thou shalt acknowledge that Batman beats everyone, ever, anywhere at fighting. That's right, he beats everybody. Even Optimus Prime. Even Darth Vader. Even Chuck Norris. He'd find a way. He's the goddamn Batman.
8) Thou shalt be prepared to survive the zombie apocalypse, and teach thy children similarly.
9) Thou shalt not forget to honor and give thanks to the Dice Gods for your triumphs and victories.
10) If two nerds ever find themselves holding cylindrical objects of at least 9 inches in length they must immediately make lightsaber ignition noises and face each other down in mortal combat.
11) Shouldst thou hear a man proclaim, "Now you know," for whatever reason, then thou must reply in your most triumphant voice, "And knowing is half the battle!" Let he who should offend against this law be cast out from the company of his worthier fellows and be made subject to aspersions made 'gainst his improper rearing and the cuckolding whore that did sire him and perform the rearing.
12) When searching for something to watch on television you must watch the geek movie you come across, even if you have said movie in your collection. If anyone asks, "Why don't you just watch the one you own?" stare at them like an idiot and explain, "That is not the point."
13) In order to assure procreation of the nerd species, thou shalt not utter nerdy quotes during sex.
14) Thy first crush must be upon an cartoon character.
15) Thou must not be the nerdiest person in the room, the one nerd that even the other nerds are scared to be around. If your obsession causes you to lose a job, significant other, or cause harm to yourself, GET SOME HELP.
16) Thou must learn how to do to the Vulcan hand gesture, whether thou likes Star Trek or not.
17) Thou shalt be required to attend at least one nerd convention (videogames, anime, comics, etc.) during thy lifetime.
18) There shall be no viewing of fansubs by any self-described otaku/anime fan who can afford to purchase the said material (exceptions: viewing at conventions or titles that have no chance of being released stateside).
19) All nerds, when purchasing something in a store, must never pick up the first item in the front, because the item in front has almost certainly been touched by unclean hands, and thus its condition is less mint, the grade must pleasing to the nerd gods.
20) Thou must obey the Law of the Golden Mean. What is it? Glad you asked:
Any thing that can be purchased, achieved or obtained that consists of a discrete number of individual parts, issues, episodes, or location; such as issues of a comic book, trading cards in a set, or action figures in a line is subject to the Law of the Golden Mean.
Any nerd in possession of more than 61.8% of the individual items in such a series must, if at all possible, either proceed to acquire each of the remaining items so as to complete the set, or sell one or more items on eBay until the nerd again owns less than 61.8% of the total series.
If the items owned make up a complete set of a more specific series, the law is satisfied.