So, hey, anxiety. What a brilliant thing. It just doesn't leave. You'd think I was related to it. I really don't know what to really DO at this point; it's been nearly a week, and for some reason, I feel the exact same as I did when it started, despite having no real reason to at this point. Nothing is really helping, and I feel like I'm almost shriveling up. I don't want to be a husk. Who does, really? I would just like a fucking break. Give me a day where everything is nice and fun and not making me all twitchy and socially awkward.
Because the worst thing you can do, I hear, is to just sit around when you're all anxious, last night I dug through a bunch of boxes I hadn't dug through yet. I was looking for my old high school yearbook, because...well, there really is no good reason, other than pointing and laughing and horrible things like that. I assume I'm not alone in doing that. Didn't find it (but it is good to know that someone packed things like books, pillowcases, and potholders together...on top of a bunch of knives and other sharp things), but I did find a ton of old notebooks from ages ago, when I'd write all the time. Goes back to Redlands, up through early 2006, when I left Mendo and started planning to move to Sac. Very interesting stuff; the Redlands stuff is actually really, really nice to have. The Ukiah stuff...man, someone should have kicked my ass. I guess it's good to know I can never be that horrible again, but yikes, I was a fucking idiot. "Wah wah, I hate it here. Wah wah, I'm better than this. Wah wah, (girl's name omitted) didn't love me. Wah wah, I'm not asking this girl out because we don't 'connect on a deeper level.'" I mean, shit, I like to think I'm less a fucking knob now.
Got me thinking, though. I might be behind this magical "schedule," but at least I'm still sort of keeping up with what's on it. What a jumbled sentence. And ironically, I was just getting into a groove when I moved away, however I'd rather be somewhat aimless in Sacramento than grounded in Ukiah.
My head's killing me. It's not a migraine, but more like a dull pounding. Too much going on, I guess. I hate that, because if you wanted me to name three things that are making me feel this bad, I couldn't tell you.
Have to go by the Targeted Place of Employment again either tomorrow or Monday, but likely Monday (because I'll be in the area, and it's more professional, I was told). It might work. Then my ascent to personal satisfaction/descent into a sort of eerie parallel will happen. I'm looking forward to it.
Reading more, writing more, feeling very lonely, feeling very just fucked up, and am completely confused. Sure doesn't feel like a step in the right direction.
I fucking hate this. The lonliness is the worst aspect.
Bah.
I'm going to stop. Door's a little too open at the moment.
Later.
Because the worst thing you can do, I hear, is to just sit around when you're all anxious, last night I dug through a bunch of boxes I hadn't dug through yet. I was looking for my old high school yearbook, because...well, there really is no good reason, other than pointing and laughing and horrible things like that. I assume I'm not alone in doing that. Didn't find it (but it is good to know that someone packed things like books, pillowcases, and potholders together...on top of a bunch of knives and other sharp things), but I did find a ton of old notebooks from ages ago, when I'd write all the time. Goes back to Redlands, up through early 2006, when I left Mendo and started planning to move to Sac. Very interesting stuff; the Redlands stuff is actually really, really nice to have. The Ukiah stuff...man, someone should have kicked my ass. I guess it's good to know I can never be that horrible again, but yikes, I was a fucking idiot. "Wah wah, I hate it here. Wah wah, I'm better than this. Wah wah, (girl's name omitted) didn't love me. Wah wah, I'm not asking this girl out because we don't 'connect on a deeper level.'" I mean, shit, I like to think I'm less a fucking knob now.
Got me thinking, though. I might be behind this magical "schedule," but at least I'm still sort of keeping up with what's on it. What a jumbled sentence. And ironically, I was just getting into a groove when I moved away, however I'd rather be somewhat aimless in Sacramento than grounded in Ukiah.
My head's killing me. It's not a migraine, but more like a dull pounding. Too much going on, I guess. I hate that, because if you wanted me to name three things that are making me feel this bad, I couldn't tell you.
Have to go by the Targeted Place of Employment again either tomorrow or Monday, but likely Monday (because I'll be in the area, and it's more professional, I was told). It might work. Then my ascent to personal satisfaction/descent into a sort of eerie parallel will happen. I'm looking forward to it.
Reading more, writing more, feeling very lonely, feeling very just fucked up, and am completely confused. Sure doesn't feel like a step in the right direction.
I fucking hate this. The lonliness is the worst aspect.
Bah.
I'm going to stop. Door's a little too open at the moment.
Later.