takeshi21

My urge to piss finally got the best of me. Despite the cold and desperation for sleep, I stumbled toward the bathroom, body still spinning from the late night.

I looked up through the darkness to see a toilet bowl above me, my head ringing as if I'd smashed it against something. Surprised and disoriented, I heaved myself up from the floor, using the edge of the cold bowl for support. I steadied myself against the wall, unzipped my fly and went about my business. Satisfied, I gathered myself, flushed the toiled and moved to the sink to wash my hands. Looking into the mirror over the sink I saw the unnaturally dark rings that framed my eyes. God, I looked like shit. I filled the cup by the sink with water, drank it, and returned to Marla in bed.

Restless and shifting, I tried vainly to block out the growing light and put myself to sleep. I imagined faraway places, idyllic scenes of endless hills, rolling warmly as far into the horizon as I could see. The soothing sound of doves cooed repetitively into my ears, singing lullabies of slumber that I could not quite catch. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

My mind kept time to my beating heart.

Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

Minutes turned to what seemed hours to what seemed days upon endless days of a sleep that afforded no dreams, no respite, no rest. Tick, tock. Tick, tock.

At last, Marla stirred, engaged in only a light sleep herself. She turned to me with a tired face and smiled. "I gotta get up and call my friend," she drawled.

As she got dressed, I noticed for the first time that she didn't have a phone in her empty apartment. "I'll be right back," she said. "There's a pay phone just around the corner."

As the door slid shut behind her I became keenly aware of the unseasonably cold air that filled the room. It was still early morning, but my hands and feet were cold, no matter how much I curled up beneath the blankets. For several minutes I kicked my feet back and forth, trying to generate heat, but to no avail.

Frustrated, I got up, put on my clothes and my jacket and reflexively lit a cigarette to wait for Marla's return. It tasted like hell, and worse, caused my head to swim. I put it out in the ashtray and stood up, only to collapse back to the carpeted floor.

Needless to say, I was confused. Overwhelmed by lightheadedness, I propped myself onto the bed and felt my pulse on my neck for several seconds, just for safe measure. When my fear struck.

My pulse was there but it was weaker than I'd expected. Maybe it was just the sleep? I stood quickly, head spinning, and walked briskly about the room. To the bathroom and to the kitchen and to the bedroom. Still, only a trace of pressure on my neck, head spinning, and my hands and feet growing colder. I walked the circuit once more. Felt my pulse once more. Still, only a faint signal.

Worried, I stood in place, doing jumping jacks and push-ups to flex my heart.

Lub, dub, lub dub, lub dub.

In my chest I felt pounding but on my neck I felt nearly nothing.

Lub, dub, lub dub, lub.. dub.. lub.. dub.. lub... dub...

I was seized by fear, realizing that I was alone in a strange place in a stranger's home.

Lub, dub.

My head spun, my thoughts were clouded.

Lub, dub.

My poor cold hands.

Lub.. dub..

Where was Marla? Would she return soon?

Lub... dub...

Disoriented, I did the only think I could think to do; to leave and find Marla.

My vision fluttered, my lub.. footfalls stumbled.. dub.. in.. lub.. my.. dub.. ears..

I think I nearly.. lub.. toppled,.. dub.. tumbling out the front... lub.. door of the apartment... dub... The fierce light of the morning... lub... sun... dub... nearly blinded... lub... me, but... dub... I welcomed... lub... its warm... dub... rays against... my... lub... cold... dub.. skin...

I knew I was dying.

I knew as sure as the sun would set that day. I knew as sure as it would rise again the next day. I knew as sure as the world would continue to revolve for millennia hence. And I knew that here on the sidewalks of this city unknown, they would find my cold body, gray skin, mouth agape.

Lub.... dub....

I thought of my mother. Lub... I thought of her tears. Dub... I thought of her hopes. Lub... and this manifestation of her fears. Dub... I thought of the God... lub... I'd so carelessly left behind... dub. I thought of my future... lub... they'd promised for so long... dub...

The world whirred before me, spinning down, down, down, down... out of my control. Lub. I clutched to a lamppost. Dub....

In my mind I cried out for the only salvation I knew, to some God I had forsaken so long, long ago. Help me! Save me! I'm too young to die right?

Lub... dub... lub

I remained in the hospital for two days and spent a week at home recovering. As far as work was concerned, I suffered a miserable bout of the flu. The doctor's diagnosis, however, was an overdose of methamphetamine. Speed. Crank. Ice.

I had collapsed on the street, my blood pressure having dropped too low for consciousness but apparently enough to keep me alive. Marla said she found me and called for an ambulance.

I only saw her once more after that and she apologized. The awkwardness was simply too much. Sorry, I didn't mean to die on you, Marla. Even though she was a junkie, she understood.

=====
For Part 1 of the story, click here:
http://suicidegirls.com/members/Takeshi21/29587/

For Part 2 of the story, click here:
http://suicidegirls.com/members/Takeshi21/30142/
=====

Something you didn't know about me: This story was based on true events in my life while I was living in Oakland between 1999 and 2000. I've felt that for me to be able to overcome this that one day I would have to be able to write a story, and now you've read it.