tadzi

ya know, i was reading the one thread by that guy who wants to argue with morgan. thing is at one point in time (minus the blatant mysogony) i used to kinda be that guy. but in a lot of ways it was self imposed. there were several times that i had opportunities and for whatever reason i didnt take them. its some problem i have, and its not a fear of rejection. every time i can, i know i can, somewhere in the back of my little head, i know. but i put up these imaginary barriers in between myself and the girl in question. like i said, its not a fear of rejection, but im afraid that ill do something before shes ready, or maybe that despite her feelings, she doesnt want me to. i have spent a good portion of my life trying not to be that guy that girls have come and cried on my shoulder about. and im afraid that being forward about my feelings will be misunderstood for aggression, and thus make me look like a pig.

the first time this happened to me was this girl my senior year of high school. gorgeous girl. probably the most beautiful girl ive ever seen in my life. the first time i saw her she actually took my breath away. so its not just a dramatic phrase. after quite some time i finally worked up the cojones to say hello and i got her number. we talked on the phone taht night. for 6 hours. and i remember thinking, "this girl is waaaaay too good for me." and began to back off. in retrospect i feel like moron for this because obviously she didnt think so. but nonetheless i passed on something that could have been great.

fast forward a bit. another girl with whom i became close friends. prior to she and i becoming friends i used to see her looking at me all the time. and i remember thinking she was quite lovely. (incidentally she bore a strong resemblance to zoe. probably one of the reasons my heart goes pitter pat over her) though the first time we ever spoke was because i saw someone (whom i despised) make her cry. she rushed out of the room and i ran after her. found her in a corner outside the school crying and i did everything i could to make her smile and offered her my number telling her she could call me if she needed to vent or whatever. once again i had another one of these several hour long conversations. this time however rather than writing it off to begin with, i let a friendship develop despite seeing serveral green lights on the way. when i finally came to grips with my feelings for her and told her, she told me that she couldnt date me because she trusted me. granted this was much more of a sign of her own problems, but once again, it was my fault for missing the fleeting moment. it probably wouldnt have worked out because of issues, but who knows. here it is 6 years later and i still think of her from time to time. especially since i havent seen her in almost as long.

then two years later, once id moved to new jersey, i met this girl the last day of the spring semester. short gorgeous little redhead with lovely green eyes. we clicked imediately. and, once again, we sat and talked in the student center for hours. i remember saying to her, "umm, could i , umm have your number?" and she smiles, blushes, and says, "only if i can have yours to." afterwards, we walked out towards our cars and embraced in a hug. as we pulled away, she looked up at me, and as i pulled away, her hand ran down my shoulder to my wrist, and to my hand, which she held, never breaking eye contact, and all that look said was, "kiss me." and even though my heart said yes, that same stupid part of my brain said, "not yet." when i finally did call her we made plans, but something happened. she ended up breaking them. to this day i dont know what happened. but who knows what could have been had i just fucking done it. it wouldnt have made me an asshole, and it wouldnt have made me a bad person. i still think of her to.

the thing that rally gets to me, is even after letting three wonderful women slip through my fingers, i still find myself making the same dumb ass mistakes. im afraid i might have, or might currently be doing that again, but i dont know yet. im fairly certain the object of my affection knows who she is. since shes all but told me so. i dont know how she feels, but i know shes probably going to read this. and if she does, well here it is. yeah, its you. im not saying i love you. im just saying, well, theres something there. i dont know what it is, but i cant stop thinking about it. and maybe this is a silly way of trying to get that out, but ive always been better with the written word than any words that ever come out of my mouth. i dont know if there is, or was a fleeting moment. but if there is, im trying to seize it.