syncope

To add to all the drama in my life, I've recently lost a very good friend. Why? Because two people can't get over their own egos to see what the other person is going through. Nobody is right or wrong at this point. It's sad it has to be this way. I'm not going to use names for obvious reasons but here's what I said (remember this is all via email).


Letter sent
I read your blog and I think you're right. You shouldn't have to have your friends dump all their problems on you. It's not fair, you have a life. If I'm the one who hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. It wasn't what I meant to do. I"ve been angry and short-tempered this week for a lot of reasons. A couple of comments you've made in the Dating Sucks group really insulted me. I felt embarrassed and looked kind of like a whiney baby after your comments. I started a thread asking people how they bounced back to relationships after going through terrible shit. You wrote "I brought this on myself and someone will tear me a new one" The only person who did in that thread was you and that really hurt me.

I'm not doing well, its no secret. Why haven't I called you? Because I would be dumping a lot of shit on you, which you neither need nor deserve. I'm seeing a doctor this week, yes its that bad! As much as I know you care, you seem to get pissed because people can't solve their own problems. If it really bothers you, stop caring. If you want to blow people off in emotional blogs that's fine. I would never talk about my friends as fools. That hurts too. If you really want to be free, stop caring about me. I'll be fine. What do people want from you? I have no idea. I don't want anything more from you than my other good friends. Yes, I feel more comfortable around you than most people because you provided that comfort zone, I didn't force my problems on you. If you want me to stop, I'll stop. I still really love you as a friend but I'm not thinking straight right now. I'm unhealthy, I'm seeking help. I'm taking care of it. Things will get better.
You and I are very different but that's what makes our friendship uniques and strong in a lot of ways. I wish I could say this in person but I'm a terrible public speaker, even if my audience consist of one person. Once again, if I made you feel unimportant or disrespected I'm sorry. I wish I was an affectionate person. I am not. When I said I was afraid to call, its because I didn't want to lash out at you. This is not your fault but I'm still angry and looking for outlets. My dad's death and my own health are my problems. There is no way to describe the pain. none

Here is what I recieved
Letter Recieved
you can just go fuck yourself, matt.

i should be in bed right now, i have class in the morning, and i can't sleep because i'm so upset. you're a stupid jerk. and mean. and you assume things, in a way that is so far off base. if you were a real friend you would know me better. you don't. and i can only say i'm sorry for anything i've done to hurt you, but i did not deserve to be picked apart over something i said on my journal on the motherfucking internet.

i don't even know why i'm writing this, you aren't going to care. and i just hope that some day you find some peace within yourself, and you aren't so sensitive. because i saw a lot of beauty inside you, and i know that if you gave yourself a chance, you'd find all the happiness you are constantly looking for.

fuck you fuck you fuck you. i never want to talk to you again.

Do I deserve this? Maybe, maybe not but like Clint Eastwood would say "Deservin got's nothing to do with"
She thinks I don't care and never did. Caring is very subjective. It can only be measured in action, not words. I could have been a better friend, I can be self-centered at times. Do I care about people? Well, you'd have to ask my friends that.

To my lost friend-I am sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I am sorry for not being a better friend. As much as you felt you knew me, you will never know me 100%. Nobody on earth does, not even my family. You can never know somebody competely. There are always little things we keep to ourselves, for better or worse.
I can't excuse what I said, I still stand by it. She is not the only one who's feeling were hurt. I think I've learned that really good friends get through things like this, rather than trying to avoid them. This won't be the last time either of us go through this. But I hope I can be better prepared next time.

If there is personal comments you'd like to make, please email them to me. I'm not looking for validation in anything.