susannahjoy

it's almost my birthday. yay for me! i'll be 21! it'd be a lot more exciting if i drank. *shrug* but still, birthdays are nice. i like getting presents. my sister bought me a bunch of cheesey shot glasses, which again, would be more exciting if i drank, but was nice. except that she's only barely 18... but whatever. lol. i gave her a beanie with ears. it was a monkey. i bought it for me, but, i dunno, i think she would get more use out of it. she was thrilled. that made me smile.

edited about 45 mins later-you know what really sux? when you feel like you have to always be a certain way around people or they wont have anything to do with you. like, you have to always be happy and carefree or they'll get upset and stop talking to you. what sux even more than that is when you attempt to break away from that mold and try to actualyl show some sort of deeper emotion and the response is just "at the suns pace: i'm sorry that you are confused but 'm not really in the mood to explain it right now" in russell journal it talked about how everything he has done has been meaningless and how whenever you try to be ncie to someone and show them that they're hte most important person in the world it doesnt matter. so that really hurt me, because i tried so fucking hard for him. and now he's saying it doesn't matter? so i said that i was kinda confused by that. and i guess he just isn't in the mood. i should've known better. when i can act happy our 'relationship' is 'great', but if i'm not, suddenly it's all meaningless. suddenly i'm meaningless. he said i didnt do enough to show him that i cared. i guess i just htought that moving 2500 miles from everything that i know just for him meant something.
it's not like it's just him either though. no one who's actually around me (like, physically, sorry all you internet types, sometimes i need more) only are interested in being friends when i'm happy. leslie said "it's no wonder you dont have any friends... i can't deal with you anymore" after reading some of my journals where i was feeling upset. nick and i only argue when i'm depressed. everyone at work makes fun of me or ignores me. i'm so fucking tired of this. i pretented all through junior high and high school, and look what it's gotten me. very, very little. but if i stop, i get even less. and how can i change myself and actually be happy when i'm so fucking lonely all the time? and when i'm reduced to telling all my feelings to a fucking computer screen cuz no one in real life will listen? what do i have to be happy about? is it really any wonder that i starve myself and eat diet pills and laxatives like candy?