susannahjoy

doesnt he understand how much he's hurtin gme? i moved 2500 miles away from home to be with him and after 6 months he dumps me. he just needed some time alone. right. before i even move back here he's already got another girlfirend, who he's fucking. and now he's telling me how he still really loves to think about me? wtf? great, so he'll think about me, but he cant be with me... he cant talk to me. god. i wish i had never met him. true, that would've meant that i never would've gone to germany and switzerland, but thats ok. it's just not worth it. every person that i've been friends with or cared about or anythign are all happier without me. so what's the point in even trying to make friends or get another boyfriend? all i'll do is ruin their lives. make them feel like shit. make them unhappy. and i'll be miserable either way, but at least this way i'm not hurting anyone else in the process. i almost wish that my parents didnt love me cuz then i could jsut kill myself guilt free. but i dont think i could hurt them like that. i dont know. i'm just tired of this. i miss russell soooo much. but all i did was hurt him. i didnt mean to. i tried me hardest to make him happy, but i couldn't. part of that was his fault, he never told me what was going on until the day he dumped me, but still. i knew he wasn't happy, i shoudl've tried harder. he hasnt even asked me how i'm doing or anything. he knows i have an eating disorder and that i get very depressed and that i am very depressed, but i guess he doesnt care enough to ask about it. or want to hear it. i thought he loved me. i know i loved him. i still do. and i still love will. and i really really really hate myself. how could i have been dumb enough to think that someone would want to be with me? i'm such a fucking moron. even kurtz doesnt want to be my friend. i hate every moment of my life. and it'll never change.