many things going on in the World of Steve right now:
*) i realized that i am very unhappy with me, my job, my relationships and my life in general. i have become so bitter in the last 2 years, that no matter what i do, i'm always in a very bad mood, i'm extremely hateful, and i am 110% negative about anything that i do or anything anyone else does. i don't like this. i'm sick of being fat, sick of being stupid, sick of being ugly, sick of overthinking everything, sick of making things complicated... just sick of everything that is 'me'. this has, in return, made me unhappy with all of my friends and family. i'm not getting along with the girlfriend like i should, wondering if we should take a break from each other for a while, etc... then i realize, that wouldnt' do me any good at all, and things would just be worse in the end. so basically i feel very claustrophobic. i fear people. i won't go outside the apartment unless i absolutely have to.
at work a couple of weeks ago, i actually snapped on one of my actual friends, who i work with... everyone just looked terrified as i went off in front of probably 10-20 customers and co-workers. i could have been easily fired for it, but i couldn't take anymore shit. work stresses me out beyond belief. i believe i'm just sick of seeing the same old fuckin shit every time. i work at a college, and despite common belief, the people who go to college are fuckin idiots, well at least 80% of them. seriously. i have found very FEW students who don't have their head up their ass. that is really sad.
*) i don't do anything fun anymore. i stay at home all day and take care of my daughter, Lenore, and stay home all night, unless i work that day... so i just sit around, take care of my daughter, smoke weed to keep myself in check, and think, over and over and over and over. i am so fuckin sick of thinking. why must i have a brain that has been cursed. all i do is think, usually about shit that just upsets me. i don't want to be fuckin upset, i don't want to think about shit like this. i fight with myself. fuck taking drugs... i have the power to turn myself around, but it's a fuckin horrible battle to go through. i've been myself for 25 years, that's a long time being the way i am... hard to change shit about yourself after that long of a time. i'm trying to break habits, stop smoking, lose weight, get in shape, GO TO THE DOCTOR to get checked up on the NUMEROUS things in my body that ache or hurt, or cause me worry. i want a complete lifestyle makeover. i just don't want to be 'me' for another 25 years, and rub off on my daughter. fuck this. between me & amanda, my girlfriend, we are both fucked up, and we don't need to be like this.
why can't i just be satisfied with failure and just be happy with what i have? i don't fuckin understand it at all.
i am only 25 years old, but i feel fuckin old. seriously. my body feels like shit every day, i haven't had a good night's rest in years... i am tired, tired of jumping from girl to girl, from job to job, from scene to scene. i'm tired of society, tired of breathing. i'm just tired. i want nothing more than to just wake up and realize all of this was just a bad dream, and that my life is great.
people say only you can change what you don't like about yourself, and that is true, but it's fuckin hard when you have a fuckin long list of shit to change. where do you start? how do you start? how do you deprogram yourself? i ask myself this shit all the time. i just want to have a good happy life and i want to be able to be a good role-model for my daughter and a good foundation for her to lean on. i don't want to be some boozed up junkie of a father. fuck that.
*) i play music. i have for many many years now. i am finally starting a band again after about 3 years of not being in one. i am scared of failure. i'm sick of not knowing what type of music i want to play. i'm sick of wishing for acceptance. i want it to be a brutal band that i can use as a personal release. i hope it goes well, for me, for my friends. as far as sound goes, i like so much shit, it's kind of hard to guess what we will sound like. i would prefer something along the lines of Severed Head Of State, World Burns To Death or Tragedy, but my other friends like all different types of punk, so that will be something that will have a dramatic effect on the sound. hopefully. i don't want the band sounding like the shit i like. i want to be original. i don't want to be classified, even though i just kinda classified it. i want to be respected, that is all.
yeah.. it's 3:15am, and i can't sleep, and i figure i never update this journal anyways.
i am not one for pity, nor do i want any, i want answers, but i expect none. i sound pathetic, but i am honestly really trying to figure stuff out. i at least know that i don't like being this way. i don't want to be this way. i just want to be happy, and i want to stay that way.
peace
*) i realized that i am very unhappy with me, my job, my relationships and my life in general. i have become so bitter in the last 2 years, that no matter what i do, i'm always in a very bad mood, i'm extremely hateful, and i am 110% negative about anything that i do or anything anyone else does. i don't like this. i'm sick of being fat, sick of being stupid, sick of being ugly, sick of overthinking everything, sick of making things complicated... just sick of everything that is 'me'. this has, in return, made me unhappy with all of my friends and family. i'm not getting along with the girlfriend like i should, wondering if we should take a break from each other for a while, etc... then i realize, that wouldnt' do me any good at all, and things would just be worse in the end. so basically i feel very claustrophobic. i fear people. i won't go outside the apartment unless i absolutely have to.
at work a couple of weeks ago, i actually snapped on one of my actual friends, who i work with... everyone just looked terrified as i went off in front of probably 10-20 customers and co-workers. i could have been easily fired for it, but i couldn't take anymore shit. work stresses me out beyond belief. i believe i'm just sick of seeing the same old fuckin shit every time. i work at a college, and despite common belief, the people who go to college are fuckin idiots, well at least 80% of them. seriously. i have found very FEW students who don't have their head up their ass. that is really sad.
*) i don't do anything fun anymore. i stay at home all day and take care of my daughter, Lenore, and stay home all night, unless i work that day... so i just sit around, take care of my daughter, smoke weed to keep myself in check, and think, over and over and over and over. i am so fuckin sick of thinking. why must i have a brain that has been cursed. all i do is think, usually about shit that just upsets me. i don't want to be fuckin upset, i don't want to think about shit like this. i fight with myself. fuck taking drugs... i have the power to turn myself around, but it's a fuckin horrible battle to go through. i've been myself for 25 years, that's a long time being the way i am... hard to change shit about yourself after that long of a time. i'm trying to break habits, stop smoking, lose weight, get in shape, GO TO THE DOCTOR to get checked up on the NUMEROUS things in my body that ache or hurt, or cause me worry. i want a complete lifestyle makeover. i just don't want to be 'me' for another 25 years, and rub off on my daughter. fuck this. between me & amanda, my girlfriend, we are both fucked up, and we don't need to be like this.
why can't i just be satisfied with failure and just be happy with what i have? i don't fuckin understand it at all.
i am only 25 years old, but i feel fuckin old. seriously. my body feels like shit every day, i haven't had a good night's rest in years... i am tired, tired of jumping from girl to girl, from job to job, from scene to scene. i'm tired of society, tired of breathing. i'm just tired. i want nothing more than to just wake up and realize all of this was just a bad dream, and that my life is great.
people say only you can change what you don't like about yourself, and that is true, but it's fuckin hard when you have a fuckin long list of shit to change. where do you start? how do you start? how do you deprogram yourself? i ask myself this shit all the time. i just want to have a good happy life and i want to be able to be a good role-model for my daughter and a good foundation for her to lean on. i don't want to be some boozed up junkie of a father. fuck that.
*) i play music. i have for many many years now. i am finally starting a band again after about 3 years of not being in one. i am scared of failure. i'm sick of not knowing what type of music i want to play. i'm sick of wishing for acceptance. i want it to be a brutal band that i can use as a personal release. i hope it goes well, for me, for my friends. as far as sound goes, i like so much shit, it's kind of hard to guess what we will sound like. i would prefer something along the lines of Severed Head Of State, World Burns To Death or Tragedy, but my other friends like all different types of punk, so that will be something that will have a dramatic effect on the sound. hopefully. i don't want the band sounding like the shit i like. i want to be original. i don't want to be classified, even though i just kinda classified it. i want to be respected, that is all.
yeah.. it's 3:15am, and i can't sleep, and i figure i never update this journal anyways.
i am not one for pity, nor do i want any, i want answers, but i expect none. i sound pathetic, but i am honestly really trying to figure stuff out. i at least know that i don't like being this way. i don't want to be this way. i just want to be happy, and i want to stay that way.
peace