my ma came to see me.gad i love her. i'm worried though...she has started to get out more, which i am really happy about. but she has so much to deal with at the moment, and in order to go out, she has to leave my dad. my dad can't really go out anymore. he has to use a wheelchair if he really wants to do anything, but he refuses to go out in public in the chair. it's not like he has a problem with the handicapped or anything... he just feels ashamed of himself, and he shouldn't. i'm sort of past worrying about my dad... it's just this constant feeling of helplessness now. cause he won't listen, and he needs to enjoy the life he has left. i wish i could make this go away. i wish i could make him better. i want him to see me graduate from college, and get married, and have kids. i want him to be there, but he's not going to be, and my mom is going to be all by herself. and i found out that that's why my sister's getting married in january. because they don't know how long he's going to be here. and that scares me more than anything. i don't know how to tell him how i feel, and he doesn't know how much i love him, and how this is making me break up inside. god. now i'm bawling my fucking ass off. how the fuck do i digest this shit? sometimes i feel like im losing it. and i don't know how to be there for my family and have my own life at the same time. i love them so much.
xanippi:
Oh, *hugs* wow, maybe it would help to plan to do something with your dad. a day trip or vacation... i know you say he's not listening, it's the only thing i can suggest. tell him his feelings of helplessness is making everyone feel helpless.