sunflash

Tonight I sit here, late into the morning of tomorrow, thinking of my life and how fragile my state has become. I refer not to my state or residence but to my state of mind, no my very state of being. I have spent years trying to understand what it is I want. To fight clear of my narcissistic nature and find what it is I do for me.

My mind wanders to a fro dancing from thought to thought, idea to idea, concept to concept.

Is it the world that looks to me for amusement or me to it for acceptance? Have I lost touch with reality, or has reality lost touch with me?

I am not sure who let go first but none the less here I sit contemplating life the universe and everything. I sat down to write. To write a thank you letter to all the teachers of concord, or was it a manifesto of change for my life? Was it a journal entry or a note? My life so distorted and lost I am not certain of what I truly am doing any longer. Am I a soldier or a man? Can a man be a soldier and still be a man? What makes me a man? Why do I care what others think?

I find it strange that I came to this state over the combination of Flogging Molly, kilts, and a Hollywood movie. The Flogging Molly and kilts are there because they, as of late have made me see that it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, do it my way for me. The movie was Step Up, a popcorn flick about dancing. In it of itself it would mean little. However I spent a good ten minutes staring at the North Star Ballet booth without going up to it not even a full day ago at the fair. I danced for so many years at Concord but have not really done much since leaving. Well with all the revelations in my life that I have made as of late dance has been poised at the fore front of my shattered mind. I want so badly to go back to dance, theater, and vocal music but I am not really certain where to begin. Do I give up the comfortable life I am living to start again? Do I pass on the riches of contracting? Can I really make it in college as a full time student? I feel so lost that I am no longer certain which way is up, a truly bad thing when your head is under the preverbal water.

Life has managed to teach me one thing though, much like Dave King says it Im such a selfish man, though only so long as I cant change it.